Hello all.
I know some of you have known me for a lot of years so know about my history, but some of you only recently came to know me and don't have that context. I have always been a very open person about my struggles, both because I find talking with people about it discourages stigma and because that is how I get through tough times - talking and getting support. Not everyone is always comfortable with the way I share my feelings, so I will give those people a warning this is probably not a post you want to read.
I may regret posting this publicly at some point, but I refuse to hide who I am and what my life is. And right now my life is tough. So here goes.
When I was younger I had a lot of issues with depression and anxiety. I don't think going into all the detail here is helpful, but I was first suicidal at a very young age and struggled through must of my adolescent years. I was lucky to have an incredibly supportive family who helped me find good resources.
When I moved to the city to attend University at the age of 18 I knew it was important I set up some resources right away. I got very lucky and ended up with a fantastic psychiatrist who I have worked with since. I also found myself involved in a peer support group for people with depression and bipolar as well as other affective disorders. This was about a decade ago. Over that decade I did a lot of intense therapy, tried different combinations of medication, and grew a lot. The last time I had serious suicidal thoughts or harmed myself was about 7 years ago. I got my degree in education and became an "adult". I worked a variety of jobs, some teaching and some non-classroom. I became a very high-functioning person and my doctor felt that I was no longer someone with depression so much as someone with childhood issues that were getting resolved and a tendency towards anxiety.
This year I decided to take a big, giant risk. I decided to try something I had considered in the past but not done - moving overseas to teach. I talked with my doctor and we both felt that I had come far enough that I should be okay. I dismantled my life and moved to England with a teaching contract lined up and a sense of adventure. My first few weeks here were hard in terms of homesickness, I realized how strongly tied to my hometown I am. During this time we did some training and induction stuff and I met amazing people here which helped a lot. I was able to enjoy a summer where I was happy and stable, if still homesick, and having the adventure I wanted. There were a couple blips in the road, particularly concerning instability of my living situation, but things got sorted and I was feeling positive.
Then school started. That was two and a half weeks ago. This is not the time or place to try to discuss what all triggered things the way it did, but that is when things went downhill fast. Within the first week I had my first anxiety attack in years. I was coming home in tears more often than not, and really struggling with my sense of self in this system. Within the first week I also had my first meltdown, where I was unable to finish a day of teaching due to uncontrollable crying. I told my mentor as well as my department leadership what was happening and they were very supportive. Taking the advice of them and others who have been through the relocation experience I focused on taking good care of myself and managed to tread water for about another week. Then some things happened that were out of my control. Again this is not the place to go into details, I'm not sure anywhere is except my doctor's office. But I found myself somewhere I have not been in a long time - having suicidal thoughts and fighting the urge to self-harm.
Now a quick bit of information - these two things are not the same nor do they necessarily relate as much as it sounds. The last time I self-harmed was in University when I felt the pressure of my emotions to be too much and found that the physical pain released that pressure. It was not at that time a desire to die or anything related to suicide. This time was similar - I wanted the pressure release. But this time it did accompany suicidal ideation.
So that brings me to where I am now. I decided that I could try to force myself to continue and maybe it would get better, but most likely it would only postpone an even worse crash to come. I don't have the resources and supports that I used to have, and while many fantastic people here have been very supportive it is not the same thing as having proper medical supports. I am in the process of getting supports here but it was taking too long. I decided that it was better for me and the students that I leave now than that I stay and something worse happen down the road. If I'm honest my brain wasn't functioning properly - I found myself going into sensory overload a lot and being unable to process everything happening - which was not good for the students anyway. So I made the decision and I am returning to Canada.
But not yet. I have loose ends to tie up, and I don't know how quickly I can get them tied up. I have a housing situation to deal with, flights to rearrange, material possessions to get rid of, accounts to close and sort out (gas and water and such). I expect it will take at least two weeks for me to finish everything. So two weeks of being still away from my supports, having empty days ahead of me, and feeling incredibly alone. I am so lucky to have supportive people in my life. I am just unlucky that a seven hour time difference means that the hardest part of the day is when they are mostly asleep (and the rest who are here are at work).
So there's my story. Not posted for pity, but so that people can see what truly happened and know the truth. And so I can discuss the next parts. So I can write the next post I want to write explaining what depression and anxiety feel like to me. And the next part about risk taking with the added risk of depression. And a third or fourth or fifth possible parts as I try to explore my thoughts on this scenario while also trying to help those who don't quite understand but want to to see what it is like without burdening them by making them listen individualy.
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