Well, a few days after starting these entries I find myself in one of the strangest parts for me of these episodes - the getting better part.
I'm nowhere near back to equilibrium. I still have waves of anxiety and times when I randomly just start crying for no reason, my appetite is all over the place (non-existant for most of the day but then suddenly rampant), and I have no energy to do anything most of the time.
But there are times when I'm okay. Times when I'm able to sit calmly and get things done or do relaxing activities or enjoy something. And that's where the paradox comes in...
As soon as I start to enjoy something I get hit by a wave of guilt. I have just made a major life change that has inconvenienced many other people because of my depression and anxiety - I shouldn't be allowed to enjoy anything! At least that's what my brain tells me, and tries to make me feel bad.
Such an unhealthy paradox. I know that the most important thing is for me to grab those moments of calm and enjoyment and focus on them and build on them. Yet every time one happens I feel guilty for not being miserable. This is one of those things that I honestly cannot comment on other peoples' experiences with as I have never discussed it with others in similar situations. Do people have this problem?
This will continue to be a battle over the next few days as I work towards healthy.
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