Semi Impulse Decisions

I believe this will be the last post in this depression series as I feel that I am coming out of the worst of the depression. I had a really interesting conversation with my mum last night about how I spent all of last week in a depression fugue state, and now that I am finding my personality coming through again I realize how worried I was that it wouldn't happen. I was worried that that fugue wouldn't go away, or that when it did I would have lost who I am. I spent a lot of time developing into the person I am - who I happen to quite like in fact - and the thought I may have lost her was pretty scary. But she is coming back, and it is a huge relief.

I got distracted. That's not the point of this post. This post is about the questionable smartness of making decisions while depressed. Not the decision to go home, that decision I have no regrets about - seeing myself come through again I realize just how important it is that I am getting better. However I did make another decision that I have only told a few of you about that will also have lasting effects.

This was first contemplated and planned before the big crash, so it wasn't completely a fugue state impulse. However looking back I fully acknowledge that it was conceived of and planned during the descent, and while I was already in the grips of depression. The actual execution of the decision was while in the fugue state. It was enough to actually break me temporarily out of said state which was nice. Though I don't think this will be my new coping method.

What am I talking about? Why am I being coy? Because I am worried people will judge me for this impulse decision. But here goes. Here is what I am talking about:

Yep. That's my leg. And that's a tattoo. On my leg. So this is something that now exists for the rest of my life.

What is it of?

That is the structural formula for Serotonin - the neurotransmitter believed to be involved in depression. It also plays a lot of other roles including memory and cognition, but I chose it for it's role in depression and modulating mood.

Why put it on your body?

I chose to get a tattoo of this as a reminder that depression is still part of my life and something I will live with forever, but also as a reminder of how far I have come. I am not the little girl who had no coping skills and no experiences with being healthy. I now know what healthy feels like and how important it is to get back there. I will always have depression but I don't have to let that beat me. This was originally meant to honour how far I've come. Now I see it more as a reminder that this is part of me and that that's okay.

But why that part?

If you can't tell from the picture that is just below my knee on my right leg. A bit of a strange place for a tattoo but there is a reason for that choice. The last time I actually did self-injure was about 7 years ago when the pressure built up so much I couldn't think of any other way to let it out (as discussed in a previous post). And it was on that part of my leg. It was right under where this now is. I chose that site for the tattoo as a reminder that I don't have to resort to self-harm, that I have so many more strengths and coping skills now. As a reminder again of how far I've come.



So yes. I am now a person with a tattoo. Do I regret it? No. Might I someday regret it? Possibly. But I have been planning on getting a few tattoos for a while so it won't be the only one. I want an owl on my arm for Grandma, and if I reach a certain point in my health journey I want my totem - the world turtle - on my back. But for now I have serotonin on my leg. And I love it.