In 2012 one of my favourite actors/comedians, Stephen Fry, attempted suicide. Earlier this year he talked about it in an interview and some articles, around the time I came to England for my vacation & interview. I remember sitting on a plane reading an article in which he discussed the suicide attempt and his struggle with the depression side of cyclothymia. I wish I could find the article because there was a great part where he talked about being filming the TV show QI, a very bright and funny show I enjoy a lot, and how on the outside he would be laughing and joking but on the inside he would be completely miserable.
I keep coming back to this idea as I struggle to work through this episode. Most of the time right now I am alone with Quirk so I don't have to fake being okay. In fact I spend a lot of time reaching out to people digitally because simply having some form of communication happening helps keep me from sinking lower without having someone else in the room to see how I'm doing. People and their willingness to text with me about random things or about what's happening are what are getting me through this. But sometimes I'm around people, and will be having a perfectly pleasant and enjoyable time when all of a sudden the bottom drops out. All of a sudden the despair and anxiety and loneliness come rushing in all at once. That sad emptiness inside seizes its moment and reminds me of its existence sending my head spinning. I know people will get tired of hearing about these things so I sit and I smile and I pretend that I'm okay. And I wait for it to pass. And it is so very very hard to do because I feel like I am lying to my loved ones who are trying so hard to help me be okay, but I don't want to burden them by dragging down the mood and saying I'm sad again. Because I'm tired of hearing about me being sad, so they must be. Mostly I'm just tired of being sad. And anxious.
And then the moment passes, and I'm left with a little echo of the emotions but can return to what is happening around me and enjoy it again.
For those wondering about the practical side of my situation here is where it stands: I have plane tickets for me and Quirk (hopefully, we'll come back to that) for Oct 3 back to Canada. The route sucks because it was a rebooking of my Christmas tickets and I had no choice (basically I have an 8 hour layover in Heathrow). That leaves me about a week and a half here in England. In some ways this feels like an eternity, but it is also a very short time to deal with things.
My landlord has insisted that I pay all of October's rent since I didn't give a full month's notice, and that I completely empty the apartment of furniture. Everything. Even though it was leased to the person I inherited it from (I never actually signed a lease with him) as furnished, even though everything here was here when I arrived. This is one of my biggest sources of anxiety right now. I am offering the furniture to the other Canadians here if they can arrange for some way to move it. The rest will go to the British Heart Foundation or be taken away by waste removal people.
My second biggest worry is Quirk. I have her booked to fly the same flights as me, but am concerned if they will let her as she is still having some stomach issues. It definitely is stress related - it seems to be every time the arrangement of who is sleeping here changes that it happens again. I want to take her to the vet about it, but worry that the vet will then refuse to sign the "fit to fly" paperwork. I honestly don't know what I would do or what would happen if I couldn't bring her with me. But I also don't know what I would do if something happened to her. So I think I will call the vet tomorrow and see what they say. I truly believe that if I can just get her home back to where she is comfortable and back to the food & water she is familiar with she will be okay. I just need her to be okay enough to survive the travels (first getting to Manchester somehow, then one flight to London, then another flight home). I think if something did happen to her or if she did have to stay it might just be enough to fully and completely break me - she is my best friend and I need her with me. My anxiety is rising rapidly just thinking about this.
This weekend has been a blessed relief from loneliness thanks to my wonderful friend Vanessa who came out to visit. It is hard to think tomorrow I go back to facing this alone (physically so at least). I just want this to be over and to feel okay again but I suspect that won't happen until I can be back around people I love more of the time.
Otherwise I am just keeping going. I don't want people worrying - I will get through this and be alright. But keeping in contact with me is appreciated, it is the biggest way that people can help right now to distract me with communication. That and taking away furniture and belongings to make that part easier.
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