I often consider September to be my true new year, as I have never left the world of having a new school year be a thing in my life. But this is the generally agreed upon new year, and I am choosing to take it as an opportunity for some reflection and contemplation.
2017 has been a hell of a year. I think the last couple years (and my approach to the new year) are well covered by Sarah Anderson in this Sarah's Scribbles page. But 2017 has also had good in it, and I want to look at both.
The biggest thing that I think of when I look back over the year is my body and my functioning. At the start of 2017 I was in weekly physio appointments. I was improving, but my knee was still a serious limitation to my ability to be out and about enjoying life. I was spending hours a week on just recovery and pain reduction. It was still giving out on me occasionally, making doing things a bit scary. I was avoiding stairs, and concrete floors were the bane of my existence. Between an amazing gift from an amazing friend giving me gym access for the year, a fantastic personal trainer with the right philosophy for me, and a fitness studio that is magic and accepting and powerfully positive, this has all changed. Except the concrete floors, I will always hate those. I am not in pain on a daily basis. My knees do not randomly give out. I can walk from one end of the campus at work to the other without having to worry about it. I also got to do things like walk around Cape Breton and not worry about it, which was amazing.
After I typed that part, I saw a friend's reflection and for the rest of this I am going to steal the questions she uses every year, with some edits or changes (I cut some, or changed wording, because it's my reflection and I can).
Sum up your year in a nutshell:
2017: This year was slow, sometimes painful, growth. I've continued to work away on some things I had already been working on, I've had some setbacks, I've faced my trauma again, and I've questioned a lot of things. Even with a rough couple days right at the end, this is the most okay with who I am that I have felt in a long time. It has also been a year with a ridiculous amount of love, friendship, and support that I still sometimes wonder how I have earned, but I am glad I have it all.
What did you do this year that you had never done before?
2017: This is a hard one, I don't tend to think in these terms. One thing that seems small but has had a huge impact on my life is trying Pound fitness (I'm so glad I convinced Krista to try this with me!). Another is starting the women's D & D group, I'm actually super proud of that (especially when people tell me how excited they are for the next session and how much they are enjoying it).
Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions and will you make more next year?
2017: I don't think I made any last year. This year, I want to focus on keeping up and building on my progress with finding a joyful relationship with physical activity. I want to be mindful of my own needs and actually take them into consideration. And I want to be more on top of the house. I'm not necessarily going to make formal resolutions, but those are the areas I would like to place more focus.
What major life events happened this year?
2017: In May, we had our first truly intentional Couteret family event, and it was wonderful to have that time with my family. We had our usual trip out east this summer. This fall we got another wonderful nibling, Elena.
Where did you travel this year?
2017: As just mentioned, we did our trip to visit family on the east coast this summer. We also got to explore Cape Breton Island and some of New Brunswick, I love this time on the coast.
What did you lack in this year that you would like more of in the next?
2017: Energy. I had major fatigue for a significant portion of this year. I never did hear back from the doctor after my unpleasant visit, so I still don't know if it was iron or something else, but I want to have enough energy to survive my life this next year.
What events from this year will remain etched upon your memory?
2017: Taking ridiculous silly photos with Kyle and lightsabers, hiking Cape Breton, Women's March
What could you have improved upon?
2017: Acknowledging when I wasn't coping well, working through my emotions so that I could express them rather than letting them explode, expressing my needs.
What did you get really really excited about?
2017: My project! As stressed as I am about it (I'm currently in denial of doing a workshop pilot in less than two weeks), it has been so fun to think about and work on.
What song will always remind you of 2017?
2017: Praying by Kesha. I didn't even like her music before this album came out, but this song connected with me and the hurt I have carried around in a visceral way. It has helped me cry and shout and do all the things I needed to do to get through pain this year.
Compared to this time last year, are you happier or hardened?
2017: A bit of both? It's been a hard year for the world, and I've had to let my skin get thicker. But I'm in a better place.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
2017: Trying to please people. I've spent my whole life doing this, and I can spend hours unpacking why, but this year I've been really starting to shift away from this. I will always try to please the people I care about, but I'm really working on learning how to not care what someone thinks when there's no reason for me to care.
Did you fall in love this year?
2017: This year I fell in love with my body. I still struggle with self-esteem and internalized fatmisia and all that, but I fell deeply in love with the things my body can do and how it feels doing those things. I wrote a love letter to my legs on this blog this winter, although I felt too awkward to share it openly. I could (and might) write similar ones for my arms and my core and my lungs and my heart and all of me.
What was your favourite media? (TV/movies, music, books)
2017: This is the year of Wonder Woman. I started to discover her last year through some really great series that I picked up, but this is the year that I really fell in love with what she stands for. The movie was fantastic (yes problematic, but everything is) and the message I took from it was that it isn't about deserve, it's about what you believe in. It's a damn good message.
For music, I really started to like and listen more to Rural Alberta Advantage, and I listened to a ton of Arkells and Lumineers. Also the Kesha album I mentioned. I found lots of amazing, empowering music through some of the workout classes and through friends, it has been a good year for music that makes me feel like I can take on the world.
For books, I am going to have to go with Hunger by Roxane Gay. I read it on a flight, challenging anyone to say anything to me about my size or the space I was taking up, and it felt amazing.
What did you want, and get?
2017: Great photos of the two of us, which are very important to me. Lots of little things, but those are just things. An adorable new nibling, even if I only see her through pictures and videos for now.
What did you want, and not get?
2017: A new home. We chose to stay in this place for another year, because it made sense, but I can't wait to get out of this box. Also, a temporary stint as supervisor (but I'm really glad I didn't, it definitely worked out for the best).
What political issue stirred you the most?
2017: All of them? This was a hard year. People are hurting, and it's not a good world right now. But I have had to learn to see what is happening, engage when I can, and disengage to save myself and my mental health.
What valuable lesson did you learn?
2017: That it's okay to say ask for what I need, and that there are people in my life who will (for some strange reason) keep loving me no matter what.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Monday, November 20, 2017
A love letter to my legs
Dear my legs,
I don't say this enough, but thank you. We don't always get along that well, sometimes I make you work when you don't want to. Sometimes you remind me of my limits by getting all grindy in the knees and refusing to let me do things. Occasionally I have thought disparaging things about your appearance. Far too often you lock up because I'm not doing what you want. Fairly rarely, luckily, you flat out give out on me because I'm not listening. But, at the end of the day you are my biggest supports.
We have been through a lot together. We have walked many places that are important to my heart, from Scotland to Nova Scotia to Tofino. You have carried me through runs, and those were probably our very best moments. You have sat with me through joy, and pain, and everything in between.
Lately, our relationship has improved. We are learning to work together again, to find joy in moving together. Sometimes we get out of sync, but we have fun. I truly enjoying feeling you move in time to the music, and I get so much pleasure from our time doing so. Shallow as it is, seeing you in some cute leggings reminded me how much I love you. You are glorious, glorious muscles and bones and joints. I thank you for all the adventures both behind us and ahead of us, for you carry me through them.
(please note: this is exercise in learning to love and celebrate my body, and is in no way meant to devalue legs that work different than mine, or people who move through the world differently. I am hoping to post love letters to various parts of my body as we rediscover each other in the next while)
I don't say this enough, but thank you. We don't always get along that well, sometimes I make you work when you don't want to. Sometimes you remind me of my limits by getting all grindy in the knees and refusing to let me do things. Occasionally I have thought disparaging things about your appearance. Far too often you lock up because I'm not doing what you want. Fairly rarely, luckily, you flat out give out on me because I'm not listening. But, at the end of the day you are my biggest supports.
We have been through a lot together. We have walked many places that are important to my heart, from Scotland to Nova Scotia to Tofino. You have carried me through runs, and those were probably our very best moments. You have sat with me through joy, and pain, and everything in between.
Lately, our relationship has improved. We are learning to work together again, to find joy in moving together. Sometimes we get out of sync, but we have fun. I truly enjoying feeling you move in time to the music, and I get so much pleasure from our time doing so. Shallow as it is, seeing you in some cute leggings reminded me how much I love you. You are glorious, glorious muscles and bones and joints. I thank you for all the adventures both behind us and ahead of us, for you carry me through them.
(please note: this is exercise in learning to love and celebrate my body, and is in no way meant to devalue legs that work different than mine, or people who move through the world differently. I am hoping to post love letters to various parts of my body as we rediscover each other in the next while)
Thursday, October 12, 2017
On things that have changed in the last 4 months.
It has been roughly four months since I started working with an amazing trainer and re-focusing time and energy on my physical well-being. I've been thinking today about what things have changed in this time, and why these things are important to me.
1) I make food decisions based on nourishment. I try really hard to not think of "good" and "bad" food (although I do still fall into this trap), but have gotten good at asking myself if I'm going to be nourished by food. I resisted free pumpkin pie today (not to worry, I've had my share in the last week) because I recognized it didn't add any nourishment for me. I later did choose to eat a cookie that a colleague brought me because I recognized that it was an act of relationship building, and that did nourish something. I can't say for sure what choice I would have made before, but I know my thought pattern would have been different.
2) I move more easily. My knees are currently angry at me (physio is booked for next week), but otherwise I am having an easier time navigating the world. And it's more fun, because the songs from High and Pound fitness classes play in my head while I'm moving through the world and sometimes I make my movements match them.
3) I have better posture. It might just be that my core muscles are sore more often, and they hurt less when I sit/stand with properly, but I'll take it.
4) I feel more confident and badass. I just do.
Things that have not changed:
1) I'm definitely still fat and passionate about fat activism. It shouldn't matter whether or not I'm working out, I was as valid a person before starting this as I am now. And I'm not doing this to stop being fat. I'm just loving having a different relationship with myself and with my body.
2) I still have mental health diagnoses. Fun fact, I can't exercise those away. Nor can I exercise away trauma. But I can use it as one of my coping tools in a large tool set.
3) I'm still experiencing burn out and fatigue. I also can't exercise those away. Sometimes it makes it worse, because I have to leave the house and spend energy. But it has so many other therapeutic benefits that I do it anyways.
4) I'm still in awe of the love and support of the people in my life. Always and forever.
1) I make food decisions based on nourishment. I try really hard to not think of "good" and "bad" food (although I do still fall into this trap), but have gotten good at asking myself if I'm going to be nourished by food. I resisted free pumpkin pie today (not to worry, I've had my share in the last week) because I recognized it didn't add any nourishment for me. I later did choose to eat a cookie that a colleague brought me because I recognized that it was an act of relationship building, and that did nourish something. I can't say for sure what choice I would have made before, but I know my thought pattern would have been different.
2) I move more easily. My knees are currently angry at me (physio is booked for next week), but otherwise I am having an easier time navigating the world. And it's more fun, because the songs from High and Pound fitness classes play in my head while I'm moving through the world and sometimes I make my movements match them.
3) I have better posture. It might just be that my core muscles are sore more often, and they hurt less when I sit/stand with properly, but I'll take it.
4) I feel more confident and badass. I just do.
Things that have not changed:
1) I'm definitely still fat and passionate about fat activism. It shouldn't matter whether or not I'm working out, I was as valid a person before starting this as I am now. And I'm not doing this to stop being fat. I'm just loving having a different relationship with myself and with my body.
2) I still have mental health diagnoses. Fun fact, I can't exercise those away. Nor can I exercise away trauma. But I can use it as one of my coping tools in a large tool set.
3) I'm still experiencing burn out and fatigue. I also can't exercise those away. Sometimes it makes it worse, because I have to leave the house and spend energy. But it has so many other therapeutic benefits that I do it anyways.
4) I'm still in awe of the love and support of the people in my life. Always and forever.
Saturday, September 2, 2017
On fat medicine
I've been experiencing some pretty intense fatigue lately. Not being able to move my body because I can't make my brain and my body communicate level fatigue. After missing work on Monday because I literally could not get my body out of bed, I finally sucked it up and booked a doctor's appointment this week. (I'll note that I'm pretty sure this is not depression because it is missing some of the key features of my usual depressions, so I'm trying to see if this is a physical thing such as low iron). It has taken me a few days to process my doctor's appointment and realize what was really happening, but I want to break it down a bit.
I got into the appointment and he asked why I was there. I described what's been happening, and he said "oh, so you're very tired". He then started asking about sleep apnea, including cutting me off when I tried to explain my background with sleep and sleeping pills. That didn't matter to him, only if it might be apnea. He then started asking me about my asthma, which seemed weird and unrelated.
I realize now he was asking because he needed a diagnosis beyond obesity to be able to transition the appointment to a medical care plan one. He cared about sleep apnea because that can be caused or made worse by weight. He cared about asthma because it lets him put me on a plan. But at the time I was just super confused about why it was relevant when my asthma is very well controlled.
He then spent the rest of the appointment talking about what mattered in his mind - my weight. He asked if I'm doing anything to lose weight, and then asked me if I've considered the bariatric clinic. Even after I said quite clearly that I am not interested, he expounded the greatness of bariatric surgery before saying that it was okay that I wait because I'm still young. He drew up a medical care plan and set a goal for me (with no input from me) to bring my BMI to below 25. (I find this hilarious for so many reasons). He then did a blood test requisition for me and sent me on my way.
Let me be clear, this was nothing compared to what I and others have experienced from doctors while being fat. No one called me names, or declined my care, or explicitly degraded my morality because of the shape of my body. All in all, this was a pretty average medical appointment as a fat person.
But I'm still bothered. I'm bothered that what I came in for took a back seat to my body size, again. I'm bothered at the idea that my wishes didn't matter as much as what he thinks is important. I'm bothered that goal setting was one-sided and ridiculous (and used such an incredibly flawed measure). I'm annoyed that someone who is in charge of my medical care clearly has so little understanding of obesity that he sees that as an appropriate approach and an appropriate goal for me. Really?
And I'm bothered by the fact that I'm left wondering - what would this appointment have looked like if I weren't fat? What questions would he have asked if a thin person walked in with these symptoms? What would it be like to be treated like a person with a problem, not a person who is a problem.
I got into the appointment and he asked why I was there. I described what's been happening, and he said "oh, so you're very tired". He then started asking about sleep apnea, including cutting me off when I tried to explain my background with sleep and sleeping pills. That didn't matter to him, only if it might be apnea. He then started asking me about my asthma, which seemed weird and unrelated.
I realize now he was asking because he needed a diagnosis beyond obesity to be able to transition the appointment to a medical care plan one. He cared about sleep apnea because that can be caused or made worse by weight. He cared about asthma because it lets him put me on a plan. But at the time I was just super confused about why it was relevant when my asthma is very well controlled.
He then spent the rest of the appointment talking about what mattered in his mind - my weight. He asked if I'm doing anything to lose weight, and then asked me if I've considered the bariatric clinic. Even after I said quite clearly that I am not interested, he expounded the greatness of bariatric surgery before saying that it was okay that I wait because I'm still young. He drew up a medical care plan and set a goal for me (with no input from me) to bring my BMI to below 25. (I find this hilarious for so many reasons). He then did a blood test requisition for me and sent me on my way.
Let me be clear, this was nothing compared to what I and others have experienced from doctors while being fat. No one called me names, or declined my care, or explicitly degraded my morality because of the shape of my body. All in all, this was a pretty average medical appointment as a fat person.
But I'm still bothered. I'm bothered that what I came in for took a back seat to my body size, again. I'm bothered at the idea that my wishes didn't matter as much as what he thinks is important. I'm bothered that goal setting was one-sided and ridiculous (and used such an incredibly flawed measure). I'm annoyed that someone who is in charge of my medical care clearly has so little understanding of obesity that he sees that as an appropriate approach and an appropriate goal for me. Really?
And I'm bothered by the fact that I'm left wondering - what would this appointment have looked like if I weren't fat? What questions would he have asked if a thin person walked in with these symptoms? What would it be like to be treated like a person with a problem, not a person who is a problem.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
On joy in exercise
Hello internet,
There are so many negative things I could talk about right now, but I'm writing this as my break from work and so I want to focus on something positive. This is a bit of an update from my last post where I talked about starting a new paradigm with my body and working with the fabulous Zita.
I am now a few weeks into this programming, and wanted to note some things that have happened. I have been to the gym and done a weights routine 6 times in 3 weeks, plus a home workout using body weight. I am planning to hit up the gym again tonight and then try to squeeze in the home workout either tomorrow or Friday. I haven't increased most of the weights (except the Leg Press because I have damn powerful fat girl thighs), but have gone from 10 reps per set to 15.* I am loving the feeling of lifting heavy things and feeling my body be powerful. I know it is becoming more powerful each time I do this, and I love that feeling too. I look forward to each time I get to go and lift heavy things because it feels so good to do.
During the workout is super fun, but I also should note how good it feels after the workout. I had forgotten how good a body that has worked feels. There is something amazing about walking around for the evening or day in a body that has been pushed just the right amount, and I had completely forgotten that feeling. Just the right amount of soreness and tiredness, but in a way that enhances my day instead of inhibiting it. There are few things more pleasurable.
I'm also noticing differences on all days. With the exception of my knee (which is getting slightly irritated but is totally manageable), I have no weird achiness. I'm not getting neck and head aches to anywhere near the extent I was before starting. I don't have random shoulder soreness from sitting the wrong way or sleeping awkwardly. In a way it feels like the exercise is lubricating my body so it just seems to work better. I don't know if this is actually a real thing that happens, but it's what seems to be happening and I am loving it.
The time thing is still hard. I find the workouts eat up pretty much my whole evening because of the way I am, so it can be hard to fit in and this does play into my overall feeling of burnout a little bit. But, overall I am noticing positive mood differences. My brain is happy just like my body is. It has made me reflect and realize that I am always happier when I have some form of exercise in my life. There is a reason that I keep going back to it after each lapse. Something people may not realize is just how many ways I've brought exercise into my life: taking an extra fitness option in school, taking aerobics classes, doing a learn to run program and training for races, taking more aerobics classes, taking a burlesque class, taking up running again, etc. Lapses occur for many reasons, and I refuse to be upset about them or feel shame about them, but it's good to be reminded how important it is to get started again and to focus on keeping going. It really does help me enjoy life to be moving and working my body.
There isn't really a point here, other than me celebrating the joy of exercise. I love working with a trainer who takes that approach and therefore enables me to think this way. Exercise isn't punishment for the food I eat, or a chore to be done to maintain a weight. Exercise is something that my body enjoys, and that I enjoy. And if I'm not enjoying it, that means I need to change what I'm doing. But for now, this is really good and is doing really good things to my life. It will be a challenge to keep up on vacation, but I should be able to hit an actual gym at least once and do body weight workouts a few times. Then I'll be back and ready to dive back in to a more regular schedule of making my body, and my brain, happy.
*Monday was my first time going from 12 to 15. Let me tell you, they may seem not that different but Holy Hannah 15 is a lot more than 12 when lifting heavy things!
There are so many negative things I could talk about right now, but I'm writing this as my break from work and so I want to focus on something positive. This is a bit of an update from my last post where I talked about starting a new paradigm with my body and working with the fabulous Zita.
I am now a few weeks into this programming, and wanted to note some things that have happened. I have been to the gym and done a weights routine 6 times in 3 weeks, plus a home workout using body weight. I am planning to hit up the gym again tonight and then try to squeeze in the home workout either tomorrow or Friday. I haven't increased most of the weights (except the Leg Press because I have damn powerful fat girl thighs), but have gone from 10 reps per set to 15.* I am loving the feeling of lifting heavy things and feeling my body be powerful. I know it is becoming more powerful each time I do this, and I love that feeling too. I look forward to each time I get to go and lift heavy things because it feels so good to do.
During the workout is super fun, but I also should note how good it feels after the workout. I had forgotten how good a body that has worked feels. There is something amazing about walking around for the evening or day in a body that has been pushed just the right amount, and I had completely forgotten that feeling. Just the right amount of soreness and tiredness, but in a way that enhances my day instead of inhibiting it. There are few things more pleasurable.
I'm also noticing differences on all days. With the exception of my knee (which is getting slightly irritated but is totally manageable), I have no weird achiness. I'm not getting neck and head aches to anywhere near the extent I was before starting. I don't have random shoulder soreness from sitting the wrong way or sleeping awkwardly. In a way it feels like the exercise is lubricating my body so it just seems to work better. I don't know if this is actually a real thing that happens, but it's what seems to be happening and I am loving it.
The time thing is still hard. I find the workouts eat up pretty much my whole evening because of the way I am, so it can be hard to fit in and this does play into my overall feeling of burnout a little bit. But, overall I am noticing positive mood differences. My brain is happy just like my body is. It has made me reflect and realize that I am always happier when I have some form of exercise in my life. There is a reason that I keep going back to it after each lapse. Something people may not realize is just how many ways I've brought exercise into my life: taking an extra fitness option in school, taking aerobics classes, doing a learn to run program and training for races, taking more aerobics classes, taking a burlesque class, taking up running again, etc. Lapses occur for many reasons, and I refuse to be upset about them or feel shame about them, but it's good to be reminded how important it is to get started again and to focus on keeping going. It really does help me enjoy life to be moving and working my body.
There isn't really a point here, other than me celebrating the joy of exercise. I love working with a trainer who takes that approach and therefore enables me to think this way. Exercise isn't punishment for the food I eat, or a chore to be done to maintain a weight. Exercise is something that my body enjoys, and that I enjoy. And if I'm not enjoying it, that means I need to change what I'm doing. But for now, this is really good and is doing really good things to my life. It will be a challenge to keep up on vacation, but I should be able to hit an actual gym at least once and do body weight workouts a few times. Then I'll be back and ready to dive back in to a more regular schedule of making my body, and my brain, happy.
*Monday was my first time going from 12 to 15. Let me tell you, they may seem not that different but Holy Hannah 15 is a lot more than 12 when lifting heavy things!
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
On paradigm shifts (or, on becoming Wonder Woman).
I just got home from a consult/assessment with Zita, an amazing trainer who I am starting to work with. And I am so excited and happy right now.
It won't take much of a look through these archives to see that my relationship with my body has been through a lot of phases and a lot of changes. I've tried a lot of things to change my body, and I've considered my relationship with my body in different ways. I've hurt my body, I've changed my body, I've been hurt by my body, I've cursed my body, I've cried over my body. I've done it all. I've worked hard to become friends with my body after years of feeling like it wasn't right.
And now I'm actively loving my body. It is a good body. All bodies are good bodies, so my body is a good body. My body has done a lot for me. My body has been through everything I've been through, even though I haven't always kept that in mind. It has experienced all the pain and joy and everything in between that I have. And it does good things. My body hugs people, and provides them comfort. My body takes me to work where I can help other people who live in a wide variety of bodies. My body smiles and laughs and shares me with the world. My body moves and takes me with it, wherever I ask it to go. Well, mostly wherever I ask it to go (when my knee was out of order we had some disagreements). My body cuddles and snuggles and kisses and lets me experience love and affection physically.
I am working with Zita because I want to make my body stronger. I want to take my body running, I miss running. I miss feeling my heart beat wildly and my legs pump and my body move through space. I want to lift heavy things and feel my muscles work and push. And the best part is she gets it. She is helping me realize all the things I've just said. It's amazing to work with someone who doesn't see my body as something to fix, but something to celebrate and to enjoy and improve. Tonight we tested how much my body could lift and push and pull, and my body is strong. I believe her when she says it. I mean, of course my thighs are strong - they work hard every day to carry me through this world. But my arms and back can do cool things. And it felt so good to push them to their limit, I can't wait to do that again. I forgot what it was like to feel connected to my body the way that I felt tonight, and that's something I'm already looking forward to doing more of.
I'm done trying to make my body into something it isn't, but I'm not done making my body happy. And despite the pull of inertia and my couch, my body is happy when it's moving and working. And I am so amazed to have someone on my team who is teaching me this way of thinking and who I know will cheer me on the way I need. After all, she knew tonight that she could get me to keep pushing by saying that it was how I become Wonder Woman...
It won't take much of a look through these archives to see that my relationship with my body has been through a lot of phases and a lot of changes. I've tried a lot of things to change my body, and I've considered my relationship with my body in different ways. I've hurt my body, I've changed my body, I've been hurt by my body, I've cursed my body, I've cried over my body. I've done it all. I've worked hard to become friends with my body after years of feeling like it wasn't right.
And now I'm actively loving my body. It is a good body. All bodies are good bodies, so my body is a good body. My body has done a lot for me. My body has been through everything I've been through, even though I haven't always kept that in mind. It has experienced all the pain and joy and everything in between that I have. And it does good things. My body hugs people, and provides them comfort. My body takes me to work where I can help other people who live in a wide variety of bodies. My body smiles and laughs and shares me with the world. My body moves and takes me with it, wherever I ask it to go. Well, mostly wherever I ask it to go (when my knee was out of order we had some disagreements). My body cuddles and snuggles and kisses and lets me experience love and affection physically.
I am working with Zita because I want to make my body stronger. I want to take my body running, I miss running. I miss feeling my heart beat wildly and my legs pump and my body move through space. I want to lift heavy things and feel my muscles work and push. And the best part is she gets it. She is helping me realize all the things I've just said. It's amazing to work with someone who doesn't see my body as something to fix, but something to celebrate and to enjoy and improve. Tonight we tested how much my body could lift and push and pull, and my body is strong. I believe her when she says it. I mean, of course my thighs are strong - they work hard every day to carry me through this world. But my arms and back can do cool things. And it felt so good to push them to their limit, I can't wait to do that again. I forgot what it was like to feel connected to my body the way that I felt tonight, and that's something I'm already looking forward to doing more of.
I'm done trying to make my body into something it isn't, but I'm not done making my body happy. And despite the pull of inertia and my couch, my body is happy when it's moving and working. And I am so amazed to have someone on my team who is teaching me this way of thinking and who I know will cheer me on the way I need. After all, she knew tonight that she could get me to keep pushing by saying that it was how I become Wonder Woman...
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Photographs & Internalized Fatphobia
I'm supposed to be working on something, but am stuck and keep trying to distract myself. So I thought I would at least distract myself by doing something productive, and getting some thoughts out of my brain and into the interwebs.
My brain has been getting stuck a lot on issues of photographs and fatness and just how far I have to go in my acceptance of my body. As you may or may not know, I'm engaged to my wonderful partner. And one of the traditional things that we have decided to do is get engagement photos done. Two rounds actually, we did some in January, with a nice winter-y backdrop, and now we are doing spring/summer ones this weekend. There is something really important to me about having nice pictures of us, I can't wait to get some framed and put up.
Let me start by saying that I LOVE our first round of photos. They caught our silliness, and our love for each other, so well. And I'm excited to have more.
But, they're photos. And somehow in my brain, I still am always surprised by how fat I am in them. I keep expecting to magically trick the camera into thinking I'm thin. I'm surprised by my double chin, my round belly, my chubby hands.
Now let me be clear. I know I'm fat. I see a fat person when I look in the mirror. And when I look down at my body. And when other people point out my fatness (all too often). And I spent the majority of my days okay with my fatness. My foray (chronicled on this blog) into active weight loss was very successful, temporarily, but resulted eventually in putting on even more weight than I started with. I'm not doing that again. I will work on my strength, and work to find joy in movement and in taking care of my body. But I'm done trying to be thin, that's not happening.
But there's still that part of my brain that has an image of what a happy couple looks like in their engagement photos (and I'm sure I'll actually encounter that in my wedding photos). And it doesn't look like me. So when I look at the photos and see my fat body, my brain still fights against it. I rail against the double chin (and the way my weird sticky-outy actual chin looks against it). I wonder how the camera figured out how fat I am. I compare to the model-like engagement photos I'm used to seeing, and wonder why I'm so wrong. I sigh over how the pictures of our hands managed to catch just how round and non-ladylike my hands look. And I don't know how to not do this.
Being okay with my fatness involves a lot of cognitive dissonance. It involves both loving my body, and hating how my body impacts the world's interactions with me. It involves believing that I am a badass fat woman who gives no fucks, while also being constantly hurt by the world that hates and rejects me. And, apparently, it involves wondering how the camera caught my fatness while also being incredibly happy with how well our photographers caught our joy and our laughter.
At least in this next round I'll have a lightsaber, so hopefully that will help.
My brain has been getting stuck a lot on issues of photographs and fatness and just how far I have to go in my acceptance of my body. As you may or may not know, I'm engaged to my wonderful partner. And one of the traditional things that we have decided to do is get engagement photos done. Two rounds actually, we did some in January, with a nice winter-y backdrop, and now we are doing spring/summer ones this weekend. There is something really important to me about having nice pictures of us, I can't wait to get some framed and put up.
Let me start by saying that I LOVE our first round of photos. They caught our silliness, and our love for each other, so well. And I'm excited to have more.
But, they're photos. And somehow in my brain, I still am always surprised by how fat I am in them. I keep expecting to magically trick the camera into thinking I'm thin. I'm surprised by my double chin, my round belly, my chubby hands.
Now let me be clear. I know I'm fat. I see a fat person when I look in the mirror. And when I look down at my body. And when other people point out my fatness (all too often). And I spent the majority of my days okay with my fatness. My foray (chronicled on this blog) into active weight loss was very successful, temporarily, but resulted eventually in putting on even more weight than I started with. I'm not doing that again. I will work on my strength, and work to find joy in movement and in taking care of my body. But I'm done trying to be thin, that's not happening.
But there's still that part of my brain that has an image of what a happy couple looks like in their engagement photos (and I'm sure I'll actually encounter that in my wedding photos). And it doesn't look like me. So when I look at the photos and see my fat body, my brain still fights against it. I rail against the double chin (and the way my weird sticky-outy actual chin looks against it). I wonder how the camera figured out how fat I am. I compare to the model-like engagement photos I'm used to seeing, and wonder why I'm so wrong. I sigh over how the pictures of our hands managed to catch just how round and non-ladylike my hands look. And I don't know how to not do this.
Being okay with my fatness involves a lot of cognitive dissonance. It involves both loving my body, and hating how my body impacts the world's interactions with me. It involves believing that I am a badass fat woman who gives no fucks, while also being constantly hurt by the world that hates and rejects me. And, apparently, it involves wondering how the camera caught my fatness while also being incredibly happy with how well our photographers caught our joy and our laughter.
At least in this next round I'll have a lightsaber, so hopefully that will help.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
On Life Accomplishments
I recently started thinking of the things I have done in my life that I am proud of. And after thinking about this for a while, I started to feel a need to make a list that I can look back at during bad times.
1. I've started over. And over. And over.
The first time I had to start over was when I left the small town and came to the city to go to school. It was terrifying. Even with the ready-built community of Residence, it still was up to me to make new friends, build new social structures, and do the hard work of learning to be a post-secondary student without my familiar supports. And then I moved back to a small town to teach and had to do it again. And then into an adjacent city. Even to a new country.
Each time I've moved communities or changed jobs has been a chance to start again. To build the community that I want to surround myself with, to develop new and different friendships, to decide who I am. And coming back home after my brief adventure in England? That was the biggest fresh start ever. There's something to be said of getting rid of everything you own to move away, and then coming back to start building again. Speaking of,
2. I've taken risks. And sometimes lost.
England was the biggest, and the most disastrous. But I don't regret it. I did a huge and scary thing and moved overseas. But I've also taken smaller risks. I've applied for jobs I really wanted and had my heart crushed by not getting them. I've forced myself to go from the girl who doesn't talk to the woman who loves giving presentations and jumps at each opportunity. I've put myself out there and been vulnerable again and again and again. I've been hurt and I've failed, but I've also succeeded sometimes. The losses taught me a lot, including that I can lose and still keep going. And the successes have been beautiful and worth every ounce of risk.
3. I've lived alone.
I spent the first decade of adulthood focused on building me. I lived alone for most of this time, I focused my energy on education and career, and I became a person I like (at least most of the time). I bore responsibility all by myself for making major decisions, for making things work when they weren't working, and for figuring out who I wanted to be.
4. I've gone outside my field.
In the last ten years I have worked or volunteered in a food bank, lots of education related areas, an art gallery, at a la-de-dah business people event (thanks to David!), at community gatherings, and in other areas I can't think of. While my passion may be education and disability rights, that's never stopped me from doing other things.
5. I've worked hard.
I've done the three job to make ends meet thing, I'm doing the job and grad school thing, I've done the working and volunteering regularly thing. I know I can do what needs to get done.
6. I've disclosed.
This is one I sometimes feel tricky talking about, because I never want to make any feel bad for not disclosing. But I choose to live a life where I openly acknowledge and discuss my chronic depression and anxiety with no shame or embarrassment. It can be scary, and I do still fear consequences. I worry that people will think it means I can't do my job, or that I won't be a good partner, or that I can't be relied on. But, I have not yet had those consequences, and every day that I openly talk about my mental illness is another day of fighting stigma.
7. I've survived.
Speaking of, I've kept going. I've survived depressive episodes and anxiety attacks and self-harm and suicidal episodes. I've survived one of the worst depressions of my life while living far away from all my normal support systems and with no access to health care or mental health services. I have learned to recognize the signs that I am entering a bad space and built the skills and support networks to minimize how bad it gets. I have built my life to include strong supports, to minimize things that can trigger episodes, and to live with this wonky brain chemistry. The thing about surviving is it keeps me in perspective. I know I can survive pretty much anything. Except zombies. I would die so quickly if there were zombies.
1. I've started over. And over. And over.
The first time I had to start over was when I left the small town and came to the city to go to school. It was terrifying. Even with the ready-built community of Residence, it still was up to me to make new friends, build new social structures, and do the hard work of learning to be a post-secondary student without my familiar supports. And then I moved back to a small town to teach and had to do it again. And then into an adjacent city. Even to a new country.
Each time I've moved communities or changed jobs has been a chance to start again. To build the community that I want to surround myself with, to develop new and different friendships, to decide who I am. And coming back home after my brief adventure in England? That was the biggest fresh start ever. There's something to be said of getting rid of everything you own to move away, and then coming back to start building again. Speaking of,
2. I've taken risks. And sometimes lost.
England was the biggest, and the most disastrous. But I don't regret it. I did a huge and scary thing and moved overseas. But I've also taken smaller risks. I've applied for jobs I really wanted and had my heart crushed by not getting them. I've forced myself to go from the girl who doesn't talk to the woman who loves giving presentations and jumps at each opportunity. I've put myself out there and been vulnerable again and again and again. I've been hurt and I've failed, but I've also succeeded sometimes. The losses taught me a lot, including that I can lose and still keep going. And the successes have been beautiful and worth every ounce of risk.
3. I've lived alone.
I spent the first decade of adulthood focused on building me. I lived alone for most of this time, I focused my energy on education and career, and I became a person I like (at least most of the time). I bore responsibility all by myself for making major decisions, for making things work when they weren't working, and for figuring out who I wanted to be.
4. I've gone outside my field.
In the last ten years I have worked or volunteered in a food bank, lots of education related areas, an art gallery, at a la-de-dah business people event (thanks to David!), at community gatherings, and in other areas I can't think of. While my passion may be education and disability rights, that's never stopped me from doing other things.
5. I've worked hard.
I've done the three job to make ends meet thing, I'm doing the job and grad school thing, I've done the working and volunteering regularly thing. I know I can do what needs to get done.
6. I've disclosed.
This is one I sometimes feel tricky talking about, because I never want to make any feel bad for not disclosing. But I choose to live a life where I openly acknowledge and discuss my chronic depression and anxiety with no shame or embarrassment. It can be scary, and I do still fear consequences. I worry that people will think it means I can't do my job, or that I won't be a good partner, or that I can't be relied on. But, I have not yet had those consequences, and every day that I openly talk about my mental illness is another day of fighting stigma.
7. I've survived.
Speaking of, I've kept going. I've survived depressive episodes and anxiety attacks and self-harm and suicidal episodes. I've survived one of the worst depressions of my life while living far away from all my normal support systems and with no access to health care or mental health services. I have learned to recognize the signs that I am entering a bad space and built the skills and support networks to minimize how bad it gets. I have built my life to include strong supports, to minimize things that can trigger episodes, and to live with this wonky brain chemistry. The thing about surviving is it keeps me in perspective. I know I can survive pretty much anything. Except zombies. I would die so quickly if there were zombies.
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