A Tale of Two Photos

This post is probably not going to make a lot of sense, as how I feel about things still doesn't make sense. I am working through things in text.

This is a post about two photos and the reactions to them.

Today I got my hair cut (it was getting WAY too long for my liking!) and coloured as a treat before my friend's wedding and the big trip coming up. I was feeling great and on the way home I decided to get a picture of my nicely straightened pretty hair. It worked out well, and I posted it to Facebook. I got really positive reactions, including a couple people using the word "hot". Now that is not a word I have ever heard applied to myself. It felt nice. And I want to stress that it means a lot to me to get encouragement from people, and that I truly appreciate ever nice word. 

However it made me think of something that happened earlier this week. I was at work and had a student catch sight of my work ID. This photo was taken two years ago, before I started doing any adipose reduction stuff. It was a horrible picture, driver's license worthy. 

I hated it the minute I saw it, and have deliberately set things up so it will be scratched off. But it is the photo and I live with it. Anyways, said student caught sight of this on my desk. She visibly started, then said to me "well, I guess you look better in person!" 

I laughed it off then said something about how it was taken a couple years ago and the student left. But I was actually pretty irked by it. Okay, it's a horrible picture. Okay, I like how I look now a lot better than how I did then.

But that girl in the picture had value. I had value. Just as much as I do now. That girl was beautiful. She loved the people in her life deeply, laughed lots, tried hard to be nice and giving, loved helping people, and was loved by many. None of that is new. I always had that. And I don't like implications that I didn't. That I was somehow lesser then than I am now. I know the student didn't mean to imply that, but it was how it felt. 

I expected lots of emotionally hard stuff going through this process. I knew it would be hard to deal with my emotional eating and to handle life without my self-medicating foods. But I didn't ever realize it would be hard to be succeeding. It is hard because I love the changes, and I see positive changes in both body and confidence. But I never want to stop loving the me that I was a year ago, and therein is the internal conflict. I never want to be ashamed of the way I was. I never want to forget how it feels to be that big, to be judged by many and to know that those that loved me anyway were worth it because they took the time to look past the body. I never want to think I wasn't beautiful then. I was worthy, and was amazing. 

I still am, no matter what size I am. I always will be, whether a size 2 or a size 40.