Friday, May 24, 2013
Travel Blog Trial
I am trying to set this up so that I can send people specifically to "travel" related posts as I go explore the world. Let's see if this works!
Friday, May 17, 2013
A Tale of Two Photos
This post is probably not going to make a lot of sense, as how I feel about things still doesn't make sense. I am working through things in text.
This is a post about two photos and the reactions to them.
Today I got my hair cut (it was getting WAY too long for my liking!) and coloured as a treat before my friend's wedding and the big trip coming up. I was feeling great and on the way home I decided to get a picture of my nicely straightened pretty hair. It worked out well, and I posted it to Facebook. I got really positive reactions, including a couple people using the word "hot". Now that is not a word I have ever heard applied to myself. It felt nice. And I want to stress that it means a lot to me to get encouragement from people, and that I truly appreciate ever nice word.
However it made me think of something that happened earlier this week. I was at work and had a student catch sight of my work ID. This photo was taken two years ago, before I started doing any adipose reduction stuff. It was a horrible picture, driver's license worthy.
I hated it the minute I saw it, and have deliberately set things up so it will be scratched off. But it is the photo and I live with it. Anyways, said student caught sight of this on my desk. She visibly started, then said to me "well, I guess you look better in person!"
I laughed it off then said something about how it was taken a couple years ago and the student left. But I was actually pretty irked by it. Okay, it's a horrible picture. Okay, I like how I look now a lot better than how I did then.
But that girl in the picture had value. I had value. Just as much as I do now. That girl was beautiful. She loved the people in her life deeply, laughed lots, tried hard to be nice and giving, loved helping people, and was loved by many. None of that is new. I always had that. And I don't like implications that I didn't. That I was somehow lesser then than I am now. I know the student didn't mean to imply that, but it was how it felt.
I expected lots of emotionally hard stuff going through this process. I knew it would be hard to deal with my emotional eating and to handle life without my self-medicating foods. But I didn't ever realize it would be hard to be succeeding. It is hard because I love the changes, and I see positive changes in both body and confidence. But I never want to stop loving the me that I was a year ago, and therein is the internal conflict. I never want to be ashamed of the way I was. I never want to forget how it feels to be that big, to be judged by many and to know that those that loved me anyway were worth it because they took the time to look past the body. I never want to think I wasn't beautiful then. I was worthy, and was amazing.
I still am, no matter what size I am. I always will be, whether a size 2 or a size 40.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Memoirs of a Fat Runner Pt. 2 - life doesn't always go the way you want.
Today was my 8K technical race. It was a brutal race, and I was a complete gong show.
The pre-race stuff was a lot of fun. The kids races were hilarious, and I had a blast hanging out with Megan and soaking up the amazing energy. She was doing the 16K "enduro" race while I was doing the 8K "sport" race. After she went off to do her start I talked with a few really nice people.
I seeded myself at the very back of the pack as I knew part of this race was having limited passing and I am very slow. It started out alright with a flat section, then some fairly gentle hills. I ran as much as I could, but I struggled right from the start. It was quite dusty, and in hindsight I think that was affecting me right from the beginning. I was already walking more than I wanted, but was hopeful that once I got settled into a stride I would be alright.
About a kilometre and a half in I hit the first big snag. We had to cross a very muddy creek. Watching the people ahead of me try to jump as much as possible and struggle I decided to just run through instead of trying to avoid the mud. This was a tactical error: the creek was about a foot deeper than I expected and I lost my balance in the mud that was on the bottom. I fell forward into the creek soaking my pants with muddy water (as well as my arms and other stuff, but the pants were the bigger problem).
As I came out of the creek I found my pants much heavier than they had been. They were a thicker material and seemed to hold the water. Megan caught up to me (she was on her second lap) and advised me to take my time through the trees as it was very technical and lots of tripping hazards. She was not kidding! It was a ROUGH trail with parts where I was sure I must have gone off course because they were so narrow/steep/rough. I tried to keep running but found myself walking almost all of this section.
Shortly after the 2K mark the next incident happened. My pants were stretching because of the wetness and heaviness. They were now dragging, and caught on a root sticking up out of the ground. I stumbled, and the pants tore. I realized that they were quite a hazard now, so rolled them up. Of course they didn't want to stay up, so from then on I had to keep stopping to fix them.
I kept plugging along, walking a lot more than I wanted but running a bit. Around the 3K mark I lot focus just long enough to trip on a root and fall. At this point I was pretty damn discouraged, and sat there for a minute just to curse the race. I wanted nothing more than to give up, and I knew that at the 5.5K mark I would pass the start line again. I seriously considered stopping there, but I hate not finishing things and was determined to push through. So I started pushing - running more (including the hills), fighting the part of me that wanted to just stop
Somewhere in there I noticed that I was having a lot of trouble breathing. I just couldn't catch my breath, even when walking. But it wasn't until about 3.5K that it got really bad. I was having a full out asthma attack, wheezing and all. I didn't have my inhaler as it is empty. I was out in the trees, alone, and scared because I couldn't breathe properly. That started me panicking and crying, which made breathing even harder. A couple of enduro runners passed me and I told them what was happening. She went to tell the course Marshalls. By the time they got to me the worst has past and the attack was subsiding. I was no longer wheezing, but still felt very fragile. I walked the rest of the way back to the field where the 5.5K point passed through the start area and told them there that I would not be finishing.
I was so disappointed in myself, and crying awfully, which brought the wheezing back briefly. I got it under control and left, not wanting to be around all the runners celebrating their completion
It was not what I was planning and definitely not pleasant. But that is part of taking on challenges. Sometimes you don't succeed. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up and look ahead to the next challenge. But you can't give up.
The pre-race stuff was a lot of fun. The kids races were hilarious, and I had a blast hanging out with Megan and soaking up the amazing energy. She was doing the 16K "enduro" race while I was doing the 8K "sport" race. After she went off to do her start I talked with a few really nice people.
I seeded myself at the very back of the pack as I knew part of this race was having limited passing and I am very slow. It started out alright with a flat section, then some fairly gentle hills. I ran as much as I could, but I struggled right from the start. It was quite dusty, and in hindsight I think that was affecting me right from the beginning. I was already walking more than I wanted, but was hopeful that once I got settled into a stride I would be alright.
About a kilometre and a half in I hit the first big snag. We had to cross a very muddy creek. Watching the people ahead of me try to jump as much as possible and struggle I decided to just run through instead of trying to avoid the mud. This was a tactical error: the creek was about a foot deeper than I expected and I lost my balance in the mud that was on the bottom. I fell forward into the creek soaking my pants with muddy water (as well as my arms and other stuff, but the pants were the bigger problem).
As I came out of the creek I found my pants much heavier than they had been. They were a thicker material and seemed to hold the water. Megan caught up to me (she was on her second lap) and advised me to take my time through the trees as it was very technical and lots of tripping hazards. She was not kidding! It was a ROUGH trail with parts where I was sure I must have gone off course because they were so narrow/steep/rough. I tried to keep running but found myself walking almost all of this section.
Shortly after the 2K mark the next incident happened. My pants were stretching because of the wetness and heaviness. They were now dragging, and caught on a root sticking up out of the ground. I stumbled, and the pants tore. I realized that they were quite a hazard now, so rolled them up. Of course they didn't want to stay up, so from then on I had to keep stopping to fix them.
I kept plugging along, walking a lot more than I wanted but running a bit. Around the 3K mark I lot focus just long enough to trip on a root and fall. At this point I was pretty damn discouraged, and sat there for a minute just to curse the race. I wanted nothing more than to give up, and I knew that at the 5.5K mark I would pass the start line again. I seriously considered stopping there, but I hate not finishing things and was determined to push through. So I started pushing - running more (including the hills), fighting the part of me that wanted to just stop
Somewhere in there I noticed that I was having a lot of trouble breathing. I just couldn't catch my breath, even when walking. But it wasn't until about 3.5K that it got really bad. I was having a full out asthma attack, wheezing and all. I didn't have my inhaler as it is empty. I was out in the trees, alone, and scared because I couldn't breathe properly. That started me panicking and crying, which made breathing even harder. A couple of enduro runners passed me and I told them what was happening. She went to tell the course Marshalls. By the time they got to me the worst has past and the attack was subsiding. I was no longer wheezing, but still felt very fragile. I walked the rest of the way back to the field where the 5.5K point passed through the start area and told them there that I would not be finishing.
I was so disappointed in myself, and crying awfully, which brought the wheezing back briefly. I got it under control and left, not wanting to be around all the runners celebrating their completion
It was not what I was planning and definitely not pleasant. But that is part of taking on challenges. Sometimes you don't succeed. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up and look ahead to the next challenge. But you can't give up.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Fear, Food & Fat Decisions
I just made a fat Linden decision. This is the term I use for bad food decisions that I used to make and I know are part of why I got so big. I wish I could say this is the first time in the last few weeks, but this has been a growing trend. I am having a harder time resisting when I know I should and bad decisions come from that. I feel like I'm losing momentum and it terrifies me.
I found myself thinking how silly it is that I am moving across the world and yet my biggest fear is failing in my health changes. Then I realized the truth - that's not the biggest fear, but it is the only fear I can conceptualize and face.
Don't get me wrong, I am super excited for this adventure. But I am terrified in so many ways that I can't even name. They are too scary to even consider or think about. Everyone tells me it will be okay and amazing, and it will; but I feel like there's a terrified part of me that is screaming to get out and be heard.
So instead of acknowledging that truth I make the same old decisions I used to make. I eat. It is nowhere near as bad as it used to be, but it is still not a good choice. I am just now seeing how hard it will be to be still going through these major lifestyle changes while taking on such drastic life changes at the same time.
I tell myself it's a challenge and that I love challenges. My friend Megan told me that I am fierce like a tiger. My boss told me that I am tenacious. I need to focus on these ideas. I need to remember this when it gets hard, and believe it. I will get through the fear. I refuse to be bested by change. I will continue to do what I have set out to do.
And I will have an amazing adventure. No matter how scary it is.
I found myself thinking how silly it is that I am moving across the world and yet my biggest fear is failing in my health changes. Then I realized the truth - that's not the biggest fear, but it is the only fear I can conceptualize and face.
Don't get me wrong, I am super excited for this adventure. But I am terrified in so many ways that I can't even name. They are too scary to even consider or think about. Everyone tells me it will be okay and amazing, and it will; but I feel like there's a terrified part of me that is screaming to get out and be heard.
So instead of acknowledging that truth I make the same old decisions I used to make. I eat. It is nowhere near as bad as it used to be, but it is still not a good choice. I am just now seeing how hard it will be to be still going through these major lifestyle changes while taking on such drastic life changes at the same time.
I tell myself it's a challenge and that I love challenges. My friend Megan told me that I am fierce like a tiger. My boss told me that I am tenacious. I need to focus on these ideas. I need to remember this when it gets hard, and believe it. I will get through the fear. I refuse to be bested by change. I will continue to do what I have set out to do.
And I will have an amazing adventure. No matter how scary it is.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Memoirs of a Fat Runner Pt 1
I have developed a habit of posting long paragraphs about my running to Facebook. Today I remembered I have this dusty space I can use and decided to post here instead. So ha!
I have a big, scary run coming up on May 12th. It is an 8K technical race. I have run four 5K races in my life, the first two were years ago. The second two were this spring. When I started training in the fall I planned on using races to have external goals. I am a VERY slow runner, so these 5Ks have been great but slow. The last one was discouraging as I walked more of it than I had hoped.
There's the context. I am training for this race, so today went for a run. I was aiming for 6K, it ended up being a 5.91K. I am on vacation in an area I sort of know, but it doesn't have much for loops that I know of. This means the run was an out-and-back style run.
I should never do these. I need loops. But they do make for an interesting study of my own psychology.
For the first kilometre or so going out I am hopeful and excited. I am determined to have a great run and am totally convinced that this run will be a lot better than the last one. The I have figured out my problems from the last one and all will be good.
However after a while I hit a wall, and I become very negative. I think it's because I am going straight out, so every step is taking me further from my end point, and that every piece of road will have to be done again in reverse. I try to use all my psychological tricks (just go to that post there, then re-evaluate to keep going and other such short goals) but they don't work. I will just stop running suddenly, even while my conscious brain is trying to play these tricks.
I start thinking that running sucks, and hills suck, and everything sucks. I suck. I start thinking that I just can't run and that there is no way I can survive this race. There are a lot of "can't" thoughts. I use lots of tricks to keep going - my favourite is pretending to slice these thoughts out of the air with a sword - but it is very hard to stay positive.
Then I turn around, and the sun comes out. The way back is completely different. Suddenly it is all "can" thinking. The small goals work perfectly, and I am able to finish intervals. Suddenly I am running towards my goal again, and I am confident and happy and love running.
This is why I should only do loops. They don't have the same bizarre swings of thought patterns.
This has been long. Sorry. However I have one last thought. I think one of the hardest things for me is trying to find the difference between when I am just not pushing hard enough and letting my brain give up versus when I am actually at the limits of my physical ability. My body will just stop running sometimes and I wonder if this is it telling me I am at my limits. After all there is only so much a 250 lb asthmatic body can do. So the question I leave you with is: how do you know your limits?
I have a big, scary run coming up on May 12th. It is an 8K technical race. I have run four 5K races in my life, the first two were years ago. The second two were this spring. When I started training in the fall I planned on using races to have external goals. I am a VERY slow runner, so these 5Ks have been great but slow. The last one was discouraging as I walked more of it than I had hoped.
There's the context. I am training for this race, so today went for a run. I was aiming for 6K, it ended up being a 5.91K. I am on vacation in an area I sort of know, but it doesn't have much for loops that I know of. This means the run was an out-and-back style run.
I should never do these. I need loops. But they do make for an interesting study of my own psychology.
For the first kilometre or so going out I am hopeful and excited. I am determined to have a great run and am totally convinced that this run will be a lot better than the last one. The I have figured out my problems from the last one and all will be good.
However after a while I hit a wall, and I become very negative. I think it's because I am going straight out, so every step is taking me further from my end point, and that every piece of road will have to be done again in reverse. I try to use all my psychological tricks (just go to that post there, then re-evaluate to keep going and other such short goals) but they don't work. I will just stop running suddenly, even while my conscious brain is trying to play these tricks.
I start thinking that running sucks, and hills suck, and everything sucks. I suck. I start thinking that I just can't run and that there is no way I can survive this race. There are a lot of "can't" thoughts. I use lots of tricks to keep going - my favourite is pretending to slice these thoughts out of the air with a sword - but it is very hard to stay positive.
Then I turn around, and the sun comes out. The way back is completely different. Suddenly it is all "can" thinking. The small goals work perfectly, and I am able to finish intervals. Suddenly I am running towards my goal again, and I am confident and happy and love running.
This is why I should only do loops. They don't have the same bizarre swings of thought patterns.
This has been long. Sorry. However I have one last thought. I think one of the hardest things for me is trying to find the difference between when I am just not pushing hard enough and letting my brain give up versus when I am actually at the limits of my physical ability. My body will just stop running sometimes and I wonder if this is it telling me I am at my limits. After all there is only so much a 250 lb asthmatic body can do. So the question I leave you with is: how do you know your limits?
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