Wednesday, October 15, 2014
On Life One Year Later
I'm a couple weeks late with this entry - oops! It's been (slightly over) one year since I caught a rather stressful flight from Manchester back to Edmonton and picked the pieces back up. I was rather battered and bruised (metaphorically), technically homeless (though with great supports), and a lot shaken in myself. I thought it would be a good idea to take a look at where I am a year later.
The things I'm happy about:
My mental health - the most relevant and critical one! By the time I returned I had already levelled out pretty well. Removing the trigger (the work situation over there) had allowed my medications to do their job. Since then I have been back to the nice stable me I got used to being. Ups and downs, but nothing out of the realm of healthy reactions to life. My doctor and I are even starting the process of slowly easing me off some of my meds. Yay!
My family - there have been some wonderful additions to said family. Both my best friend and my brother provided me with beautiful nephews this year. I'm not a baby person, but I am completely enthralled by Sol & Ollie. I am excited for the upcoming lifetime of loving them.
My love life - yes, you read that right. I now have a love life. Actually, after spending the year exploring the world of dating (online and in person) and having met a few toads I'm a couple months into a pretty awesome relationship with a truly awesome fella. To respect his space and privacy (I'm not sure he even knows about this blog, though I guess as soon as I share this on FB he will!) I'm not going to say anything more, other than that he brings a lot of happiness into my life.
My social life - he's not the only good person in my life though. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful network of supportive and loving people to walk back into. I am incredibly grateful for my friends and all that they add to my life.
My possible future - I am waiting to hear back about an application to get my M.Ed. I already have a supervisor lined up and could start as early as January if everything goes through. Terrifying but exciting!
The things I'm less happy about:
My work world - I am fully employed in a job I enjoy doing, that much I am grateful for. But not all is perfect in the world of my work life. A lot of this is things I have no control over - management, other peoples' drama, etc. There's a lot of that to talk about but this blog is public and I don't want to get myself or anyone else in trouble by saying something that gets back to someone. What I can talk more openly about is the other piece - I'm feeling a lot of imposter syndrome lately. A lot of self-doubt about whether or not I actually know what I'm doing or can do a good job, particularly with the post-secondary half of things. I sometimes think I need to find a job that I can do in my sleep so I can actually escape this feeling, but I know how quickly I would be bored and miserable.
My physical health - I made some good progress this year, but now I've regressed. I refuse to weigh myself because I don't even want to know how bad it is. I just can't seem to demonstrate the same kind of self-control and willpower that I had before. I plan to change this though. Today was supposed to be my fresh start but the abundance of cookies in my life (how I ended up making 177 Snickerdoodles last night is a story for another day) sabotaged that. Tomorrow is a new morning and a new chance. I am making three commitments to myself: walk 8000 steps a day (one day a week allowed as a break), no eating past 8 pm (this used to be a rule but I've gotten lax on it), and track my food every day staying under my caloric limit at least 4 days a week.
So it's not paradise. Life is never perfect. But all in all I am happy with where things have landed.
(And for those wondering, Quirk is happy too. Though she's not a huge fan of me spending so much time at someone else's place these days!)
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Detroit Part 2: Exploring and restoring
Friday night we visited Corktown and saw a bit more of the worn down side of Detroit the media likes to focus on.
In particular we got an opportunity to get some photos of the Michigan Central Train Station, one of the places most used in showing the urban decay that has happened here.
It is worth noting that this building's condition really has little to do with the 2008 financial meltdown -- it was actually abandoned in 1988 after having been underused and troubled basically since it's construction in the early 20th century.
Nearby we also found the other side of the coin - amazing graffiti. There's a lot of it!
Today we spent a lot of our day at the Eastern Market, a giant market on the East side of Detroit. The outdoor part runs Tuesdays and Saturdays, it is pretty fantastic. And vibrant!
A lot of life and a lot of lives going on at the market, leading to a really awesome atmosphere.
In the afternoon we got a wonderful your of Midtown, the part of Detroit we are in, by a very passionate resident who I won't name but who was involved in our DIA stuff yesterday. We stopped at some galleries but the larger focus of the tour was the revitalization. This part of Detroit is under great motion and is highly desirable to many people. It was neat to hear the stories of what things had been and what they are becoming or already are.
This evening we saw some more of this as we had dinner right in Campus Martius, a park and public space in downtown. Much of this space had been repaired and reinvigorated by a single (very wealthy) developer/investor. It is pretty incredible. A little bit of sketchiness (especially after dark) but more just a well utilized and highly enjoyable public space. This is what cities need more of!
There is no doubt this city has faced tough times and has more ahead, but there are also passionate people who love this city and are doing a lot to make it a place with community, energy, and purpose. We can learn from that.
Friday, July 11, 2014
The Gentle Side of Detroit
I am here on an art-based tour. Something many people don't realize is that the Detroit Institute of Art is the sixth largest encyclopedic collection of art in the US.
Yesterday we came in through Windsor, catching some cabs to Detroit. We came straight to our hotel in the arts part of Midtown Detroit. Now I don't deny that there are tough areas in this city - the news stories exist for a reason. We saw glimpses of this on our cab ride. But what they don't mention nearly enough (if ever) is how gorgeous and vibrant large parts of Midtown are.
For example the hotel we are staying at. It is a series of converted mansions and I am completely smitten with it.
Another remarkable spot is the Scarab Club. This is an artist club tucked in behind the DIA which was founded in 1907 and built themselves an amazing building in 1928. We missed the concert that was happening there but were able to go check out the Art Deco style lounge/gallery space on the second floor.
The main point of our visit is the Detroit Institute of Art. With a long history and a convoluted relationship with the city the reason most people know of the DIA is because part of the collection is owned by the city and is being debated as a possible asset to sell in the bankruptcy. I'm not going to try to explain all the politics, but this trip was planned to see the collection just in case.
And it is a remarkable collection. I could spend days looking through it. I explored the more museum-like parts this morning (with pieces like part of the Ishtar Gate, African nail art, and some pretty amazing mummy cases). After a delicious lunch at the fancier restaurant inside we went on a Dosun's Tour which took us on a whirlwind trip through art from Byzantine pre-Renaissance to modern Impressionism. Quite probably my favourite painting is the Nocturne in Black and Gold by Whistler. I didn't know anything about it but it is absolutely stunning and has a fascinating history. There are many other stunning pieces by stunning artists. Too many for me to discuss.
What I will discuss instead is the Diego Rivera court. These murals were done in 1932. I took a couple pictures but I don't think there's any way to show this amazing piece. It needs to be appreciate in person. It covers all four walls of the room with many themed panels. It was created as a celebration of industry and shows the positives and negatives in contrast. Everywhere you look is an amazing new message and an amazing image. It is stunning.
I came to this city with images from documentaries and books which paint it as a post-apocalyptic waste-land. And those parts exist (and I'm hoping to see some of them in a twisted way). But this city has not lost it's art or art scene (quite the opposite!) and still has it's beautiful spots.
That's the image the world needs to see more of.
In the next few days I will be checking out more parts of the city and will share some more!
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
On teaching and learning math
I was about to turn off my tech and go to bed when I noticed this article pop up on my Twitter feed and was hit by a wave of despair. Mostly because this is all that people will want to ask me about for the next week, but also because of the content itself.
I am a math teacher. And a science teacher, and a disability strategist who is passionate about learning and cognition. I consider it part of my role on this planet to make at least a few less people hate math and I think I do a pretty good job of this. I am passionate about changing our math-phobic society. And I am passionate about good education.Which means people want me to tell them how I feel about this discussion, and mostly how I feel is annoyed.
Education is trend based and follows extreme pendulum swings. The problem is every student's brain works differently. By going with these switches back and forth we continually miss the point - a balanced approach will give all students at least a starting point. The problem isn't discovery learning, the problem is PURE discovery learning.
When I took my IPT class in math education I found it incredibly frustrating because the instructors wanted us to buy into pure discovery learning. They didn't even want to tell us what our midterm was worth because they wanted our class to also be discovery learning - when you are paying that much money for credits this is pretty not okay. I sat through many activities where my brain just wasn't working in the way I needed and felt really really dumb. When they talked about not telling the students the answers in the end because then they won't bother with the discovery I was furious - if I was frustrated and felt dumb I couldn't even imagine how a student who already dislikes and fears math would feel. Pure discovery approach doesn't work for all students and can just increase anxiety.
Pure rote approach is no better. Just learning facts without having to piece it together and join the dots yourself leads to surface level and shallow learning without developing the thinking skills that modern day employers (and educational institutions) are looking for. Beyond that, for many of the students I work with this type of memorization is simply not possible. Facts without meaning don't count as learning, it counts as regurgitation.
So what should we do? We should balance discovery learning with rote practice. We should teach students HOW to learn, not just what they need to learn. If we actually teach the thinking skills required for learning and problem solving and innovative solutions then students won't face the same anxiety as I did when faced with discovery tasks. And by having students practice the skills they can master the basics that they need for later learning and build confidence. It isn't an exclusive or situation. It isn't an or situation at all. It's an AND situation.
I am a math teacher. And a science teacher, and a disability strategist who is passionate about learning and cognition. I consider it part of my role on this planet to make at least a few less people hate math and I think I do a pretty good job of this. I am passionate about changing our math-phobic society. And I am passionate about good education.Which means people want me to tell them how I feel about this discussion, and mostly how I feel is annoyed.
Education is trend based and follows extreme pendulum swings. The problem is every student's brain works differently. By going with these switches back and forth we continually miss the point - a balanced approach will give all students at least a starting point. The problem isn't discovery learning, the problem is PURE discovery learning.
When I took my IPT class in math education I found it incredibly frustrating because the instructors wanted us to buy into pure discovery learning. They didn't even want to tell us what our midterm was worth because they wanted our class to also be discovery learning - when you are paying that much money for credits this is pretty not okay. I sat through many activities where my brain just wasn't working in the way I needed and felt really really dumb. When they talked about not telling the students the answers in the end because then they won't bother with the discovery I was furious - if I was frustrated and felt dumb I couldn't even imagine how a student who already dislikes and fears math would feel. Pure discovery approach doesn't work for all students and can just increase anxiety.
Pure rote approach is no better. Just learning facts without having to piece it together and join the dots yourself leads to surface level and shallow learning without developing the thinking skills that modern day employers (and educational institutions) are looking for. Beyond that, for many of the students I work with this type of memorization is simply not possible. Facts without meaning don't count as learning, it counts as regurgitation.
So what should we do? We should balance discovery learning with rote practice. We should teach students HOW to learn, not just what they need to learn. If we actually teach the thinking skills required for learning and problem solving and innovative solutions then students won't face the same anxiety as I did when faced with discovery tasks. And by having students practice the skills they can master the basics that they need for later learning and build confidence. It isn't an exclusive or situation. It isn't an or situation at all. It's an AND situation.
Friday, June 20, 2014
On Raising A Feminist
In the next week I will meet my first nephew when the couple that are collectively my best friend have their baby. This fall I will meet my second when my sister-in-law has hers. I am incredibly excited.
Recently I was talking with the father of the first baby and he expressed frustration with the discussion that has been happening recently about misogyny and rape culture. His frustration was not that the discussion was happening but the type of discussion. He expressed that he wants people to talk about what we do want, not just what’s wrong now. He expressed how he wants articles telling him how to raise his son to be different, not just complaining about the status quo.
I somewhat disagree. Healing only happens after people talk and have others listen and feel heard, so there is a place for articles simply exploring peoples’ experiences and encouraging others to discuss theirs. It is an important discussion that needs to happen. But he is right that we also need to look at how we move forward.
So as a complete non-expert in parenting or psychology but someone who plans to love this kid to pieces I asked myself what I would recommend. And this is what I came up with. I have written this
What you already do:
1. Have strong women around. You’ve already made this true. Not only did you marry a smart and strong woman, but you are friends with some kick-ass females. There are two benefits to this. First, because you are friends with women he will see that both males and females are people you can be friends with and value in a nonsexual way as he grows up. Second, he will grow up knowing women who are smart, capable, and just generally amazing so it will be easier for him to see and accept those qualities in other females.
2. Play with gender roles. You already do this and it will make a huge difference. By seeing you split housework and care he will have less firmly defined ideas of “men’s roles” and “women’s roles”. You’re good at this. You even let me help you build stuff and play with power tools (no matter how scared you are I’ll hurt one of us) and letting him see this will make him see these roles as flexible.
What you will do:
3. Talk to him. You’re right, he is going to get lessons from all sorts of other sources like movies and books and TV shows. But he will also get lessons from talking about them. I’m not saying you have to dissect gender roles in Disney with a toddler, but asking questions about and discussing any issues in any media from a young age will teach him to approach media critically. Even just asking “why do you think character X did action Y?” or “what could so-and-so have done differently?” will make him ask questions instead of just accepting everything that media has to say. And yes, when he gets a little older be brave and have the awkward conversations about how relationships and sexuality are portrayed and how it’s problematic. Get him thinking.
4. Speaking of media, introduce him to characters who don’t look like him. This isn’t just a gender thing but a general acceptance of diversity thing. From books about gay penguins to shows with girls who do awesome things to comics with protagonists who aren’t white the more he sees people who don’t look like him as relatable characters the better off he will be in many ways. I plan to help with this part by bringing as many alternative books and such as I can!
5. Model empathy. Teach him through example that other people are just as important as he is and matter. You’ve got this.
You're going to be amazing at this. And I can't wait to meet the little guy!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
On Running with Asthma
I just finished a tough run. There are two main reasons it was tough:
1. I upped my intervals which involves adding to my total actual running time. I'm getting close to race ready! (Though not close enough considering my first race is in 10 days)
2. As soon as I started running I had an uncomfortable feeling. It's one that I know well though I haven't had in a while. It is the horrible feeling of not being able to get air all the way into your lungs now matter how hard you try. It is the nightmare of asthmatics. I haven't experienced it at all this season as I have been doing something smart and new - more on this later - and have no idea why it happened today. If you have never had this feeling you are very lucky. It is far beyond simply being out of breath. You are pulling as hard as you can with your diaphragm and intercostal muscles but it's like there's a blockage and the air just won't fill your lungs. I could go into science teacher mode and discuss bronchi and bronchioles and all that here but I will spare you.
As I fought to get enough oxygen into my working muscles I thought a lot about my history with asthma. I was diagnosed as a kid after going through a full respiratory assessment. It was never a huge issue, I don't have attacks unless I'm involved in some form of activity. After the first few months I have simply had a prescription for a ventilator (or rescue inhaler), my attacks are so rare there really was no justification for preventative treatment.
I actually forgot I had asthma for quite a while. Then I started running and was reminded quite forcefully. The first time I had an attack while on a run (the day I learned that I can't run in the winter) was completely terrifying. I have had a few since, some of which I've blogged as they were hilariously disastrous in other ways as well. Not many, but enough that it is a hassle. And a risk, especially since I was developing a bad habit of not carrying my inhaler so not having it when needed.
This all changed this spring thanks to a student. I was working on the respiratory unit with my gaggle of Biology 20 students and told one of them about my ridiculous attack. She just gave me this funny look and said "I don't understand. Why don't you just use your inhaler before you run?" It was an excellent question. I thought about it and realized I didn't do this for the same two reasons I didn't like to carry my inhaler with me: 1. I hate acknowledging that I have this weakness. 2. It feels like cheating.
Now these are pretty ridiculous reasons for anyone. But what makes them completely ridiculous for me is that this is the exact opposite of how I deal with my depression. I'm going to guess if you're reading this you are probably aware of at least some of my history with depression. If not, just go down a few entries. I have blogged the hell out of depression because I have never in my life felt a need to deny or hide the fact I deal with it. Ever.
Let's just make sure that's clear. I have no problem admitting to people that I have depression but hate admitting to asthma so much I was putting myself at risk. How does this make sense? It isn't like asthma is stigmatized the way depression can be. Or is it? Thinking of this on my run I realized that the most common portrayal of asthmatic characters is when a chubby, comedic, nerdy secondary male character has to pull out their inhaler after even the slightest bit of physical activity. This is unfortunate for any kids out there who happen to have defective bronchioles. I think it has more to do, for me at least, with the idea that my asthma will never get better. Depression won't go away but I can learn coping mechanisms and control my triggers so it is less problematic. I have done a pretty good job of this. But I can't ever train away the asthma.
Let's go to the second reason. Again to compare I have always been open about my med compliance with anti-depressants. I often say (and truly believe) that I would not have lived through my teenage years without a good doctor, a good counsellor, and my prescriptions. It took a long time to get the right combination but it has made a huge difference in my life. Yet I see using my inhaler for preventative reasons before a run as cheating. Why? Part of it is the mere word "steroid" - it conjures up thoughts of cheating immediately. But that doesn't fully explain this weird hesitation, and I honestly don't have the rest of the explanation.
Sitting there in my office with that student all of this ran through my head. Later that day I went for a run and within minutes started to struggle breathing. This time I had my inhaler though, I had felt so silly with her that I took it with me. I realized for possibly the first time that making it so my lungs can actually function properly isn't cheating and isn't a sign of weakness. It's just smart. Every run since I have used my inhaler before setting out. It makes a huge difference, not just in my ability to breathe but in my ability to settle into a pace and just go.
I don't know why I struggled with my respiration today. Maybe my body just knows I need the occasional reminder of how much my lungs love oxygen and why it is important I recognize their need for a little help here and there. Or maybe the fact it's bloody warm (compared to what I'm used to) threw my body for a bit. All I know is that just like a history of depression can't stop me from living fully a history of asthma can't stop me from getting out and pushing my body to its limits. And neither is something I need to feel any shame about!
1. I upped my intervals which involves adding to my total actual running time. I'm getting close to race ready! (Though not close enough considering my first race is in 10 days)
2. As soon as I started running I had an uncomfortable feeling. It's one that I know well though I haven't had in a while. It is the horrible feeling of not being able to get air all the way into your lungs now matter how hard you try. It is the nightmare of asthmatics. I haven't experienced it at all this season as I have been doing something smart and new - more on this later - and have no idea why it happened today. If you have never had this feeling you are very lucky. It is far beyond simply being out of breath. You are pulling as hard as you can with your diaphragm and intercostal muscles but it's like there's a blockage and the air just won't fill your lungs. I could go into science teacher mode and discuss bronchi and bronchioles and all that here but I will spare you.
As I fought to get enough oxygen into my working muscles I thought a lot about my history with asthma. I was diagnosed as a kid after going through a full respiratory assessment. It was never a huge issue, I don't have attacks unless I'm involved in some form of activity. After the first few months I have simply had a prescription for a ventilator (or rescue inhaler), my attacks are so rare there really was no justification for preventative treatment.
I actually forgot I had asthma for quite a while. Then I started running and was reminded quite forcefully. The first time I had an attack while on a run (the day I learned that I can't run in the winter) was completely terrifying. I have had a few since, some of which I've blogged as they were hilariously disastrous in other ways as well. Not many, but enough that it is a hassle. And a risk, especially since I was developing a bad habit of not carrying my inhaler so not having it when needed.
This all changed this spring thanks to a student. I was working on the respiratory unit with my gaggle of Biology 20 students and told one of them about my ridiculous attack. She just gave me this funny look and said "I don't understand. Why don't you just use your inhaler before you run?" It was an excellent question. I thought about it and realized I didn't do this for the same two reasons I didn't like to carry my inhaler with me: 1. I hate acknowledging that I have this weakness. 2. It feels like cheating.
Now these are pretty ridiculous reasons for anyone. But what makes them completely ridiculous for me is that this is the exact opposite of how I deal with my depression. I'm going to guess if you're reading this you are probably aware of at least some of my history with depression. If not, just go down a few entries. I have blogged the hell out of depression because I have never in my life felt a need to deny or hide the fact I deal with it. Ever.
Let's just make sure that's clear. I have no problem admitting to people that I have depression but hate admitting to asthma so much I was putting myself at risk. How does this make sense? It isn't like asthma is stigmatized the way depression can be. Or is it? Thinking of this on my run I realized that the most common portrayal of asthmatic characters is when a chubby, comedic, nerdy secondary male character has to pull out their inhaler after even the slightest bit of physical activity. This is unfortunate for any kids out there who happen to have defective bronchioles. I think it has more to do, for me at least, with the idea that my asthma will never get better. Depression won't go away but I can learn coping mechanisms and control my triggers so it is less problematic. I have done a pretty good job of this. But I can't ever train away the asthma.
Let's go to the second reason. Again to compare I have always been open about my med compliance with anti-depressants. I often say (and truly believe) that I would not have lived through my teenage years without a good doctor, a good counsellor, and my prescriptions. It took a long time to get the right combination but it has made a huge difference in my life. Yet I see using my inhaler for preventative reasons before a run as cheating. Why? Part of it is the mere word "steroid" - it conjures up thoughts of cheating immediately. But that doesn't fully explain this weird hesitation, and I honestly don't have the rest of the explanation.
Sitting there in my office with that student all of this ran through my head. Later that day I went for a run and within minutes started to struggle breathing. This time I had my inhaler though, I had felt so silly with her that I took it with me. I realized for possibly the first time that making it so my lungs can actually function properly isn't cheating and isn't a sign of weakness. It's just smart. Every run since I have used my inhaler before setting out. It makes a huge difference, not just in my ability to breathe but in my ability to settle into a pace and just go.
I don't know why I struggled with my respiration today. Maybe my body just knows I need the occasional reminder of how much my lungs love oxygen and why it is important I recognize their need for a little help here and there. Or maybe the fact it's bloody warm (compared to what I'm used to) threw my body for a bit. All I know is that just like a history of depression can't stop me from living fully a history of asthma can't stop me from getting out and pushing my body to its limits. And neither is something I need to feel any shame about!
Friday, March 28, 2014
On Companionship (and the missing of)
My mum is amazing. For many reasons, but the one I am thinking of tonight is how she manages to help me piece things together in a way I couldn't do myself.
A couple months ago I made the decision that after spending most of my 20s focusing on building up an awesome, independent life for myself it is time I start seriously considering finding someone to share a life with. Yes, over the last decade I have had thoughts that it would be nice to find someone or been sad that I didn't have someone but it was never a priority. It was definitely not something I was going to go out of my way to pursue. I don't regret choosing to focus on building myself, but I do sometimes regret the experiences I haven't gotten to have.
Anyways. After a decade of building up a life of being good on my own I suddenly found I was no longer as okay with being single as I used to be. This was hard on my sense of self as I have always felt it an important part of me that I don't need someone in my life. Now for some reason I was finding it harder to be at home alone, and feeling an intensely strong longing for someone in my life to share my stories and experiences with. I was thinking far too much about finding a man. How do you reconcile being a kick-ass independent feminist with pining away wishing you had someone with an XY chromosome kicking around?
This is where my amazing mum comes in. Tonight I was feeling this especially strongly so called her. She listened to me beat myself up a little bit and then pointed something out to me: it isn't that I suddenly think I need a male in my life, it's that I miss companionship. I think she's right on the money with this one.
In England and then back here crashing with friends I got used to having someone human (Quirk doesn't quite count in this regard) around. After a couple month honeymoon period relishing having my own space again I am going through a readjustment to not having that anymore.
I don't think roommates is a good solution for me. I had some great times with Laura and Michael (and for a briefer period Kenny and Joel) in England, and definitely miss coming home to someone not only willing but happy to cook a delicious dinner. I enjoyed having company at the end of the day to debrief and laugh with. However there were also some pretty awful times and living situation trouble definitely played a role in the mental health crash that happened. Couch-surfing with Chris and then with Courtney and Autumn while finding a home back in Canada was similarly mostly enjoyable (and immensely appreciated), but started to feel a bit cramped. At the end of the day my mental health and Quirk's physical health do better when we have our own space that we control. I think it will simply take some time for me to re-learn how to live alone without being lonely.
The point? I realized something valuable today: yearning for companionship does not take away from the awesome, independent life I have built. Companionship takes many forms and I need to focus on building them all into my life, not just one form that may or may not come now that I have opened the door to it.
A couple months ago I made the decision that after spending most of my 20s focusing on building up an awesome, independent life for myself it is time I start seriously considering finding someone to share a life with. Yes, over the last decade I have had thoughts that it would be nice to find someone or been sad that I didn't have someone but it was never a priority. It was definitely not something I was going to go out of my way to pursue. I don't regret choosing to focus on building myself, but I do sometimes regret the experiences I haven't gotten to have.
Anyways. After a decade of building up a life of being good on my own I suddenly found I was no longer as okay with being single as I used to be. This was hard on my sense of self as I have always felt it an important part of me that I don't need someone in my life. Now for some reason I was finding it harder to be at home alone, and feeling an intensely strong longing for someone in my life to share my stories and experiences with. I was thinking far too much about finding a man. How do you reconcile being a kick-ass independent feminist with pining away wishing you had someone with an XY chromosome kicking around?
This is where my amazing mum comes in. Tonight I was feeling this especially strongly so called her. She listened to me beat myself up a little bit and then pointed something out to me: it isn't that I suddenly think I need a male in my life, it's that I miss companionship. I think she's right on the money with this one.
In England and then back here crashing with friends I got used to having someone human (Quirk doesn't quite count in this regard) around. After a couple month honeymoon period relishing having my own space again I am going through a readjustment to not having that anymore.
I don't think roommates is a good solution for me. I had some great times with Laura and Michael (and for a briefer period Kenny and Joel) in England, and definitely miss coming home to someone not only willing but happy to cook a delicious dinner. I enjoyed having company at the end of the day to debrief and laugh with. However there were also some pretty awful times and living situation trouble definitely played a role in the mental health crash that happened. Couch-surfing with Chris and then with Courtney and Autumn while finding a home back in Canada was similarly mostly enjoyable (and immensely appreciated), but started to feel a bit cramped. At the end of the day my mental health and Quirk's physical health do better when we have our own space that we control. I think it will simply take some time for me to re-learn how to live alone without being lonely.
The point? I realized something valuable today: yearning for companionship does not take away from the awesome, independent life I have built. Companionship takes many forms and I need to focus on building them all into my life, not just one form that may or may not come now that I have opened the door to it.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
On doors and paths and a little creative writing.
One day she opened the door. That door. The one she had kept firmly blockaded shut for so long, too long. She hadn't even noticed the blockade when it first accumulated, but it had become her safety. She occasionally glimpsed the sun peeking through the cracks but the blockade kept out the rain. She had once needed this. She had needed this shelter to repair the cracks she'd found and to grow into the shape she now took.
Then she dismantled the blockade, piece by piece, and opened the door. Why now? She couldn't tell you. A sense of readiness? Curiosity? Boredom? Your guess is as good as hers. No matter the why, it was now open.
It would be nice to say she opened this door onto a beautiful and sun-drenched garden, but alas the world doesn't work that way. All she found was a path. Like all paths it has its hills and valleys, flowers springing up through the stones and garbage blocking the way, mucky sections and easy goings.
This path is meandering, but she is certain of one thing. There is no going back behind that door. She will walk it and see where the twists and turns lead. She might even run it, a little too impatient to see what it leads to, though so far that has only resulted in twisted ankles and some minor bruising. No matter, that happens. But she will keep on this treacherous and glorious path; she is excited to see what is around the next turn.
Then she dismantled the blockade, piece by piece, and opened the door. Why now? She couldn't tell you. A sense of readiness? Curiosity? Boredom? Your guess is as good as hers. No matter the why, it was now open.
It would be nice to say she opened this door onto a beautiful and sun-drenched garden, but alas the world doesn't work that way. All she found was a path. Like all paths it has its hills and valleys, flowers springing up through the stones and garbage blocking the way, mucky sections and easy goings.
This path is meandering, but she is certain of one thing. There is no going back behind that door. She will walk it and see where the twists and turns lead. She might even run it, a little too impatient to see what it leads to, though so far that has only resulted in twisted ankles and some minor bruising. No matter, that happens. But she will keep on this treacherous and glorious path; she is excited to see what is around the next turn.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
On Practice
I listen to far too many podcasts. I mean it, I listen to a truly ridiculous number of hours of people talking. They give me so many thoughts and ideas I want to share, but by the time I finish my walk or run or whatever it is I'm doing I have lost the words. Tonight I held onto a few however, so here goes.
With the exception of a few truly fantastic bright spots, the last few weeks have been pretty unpleasant on this side of the blog. While I normally hold nothing back in regards to my own problems and issues, to go into any detail would involve divulging information about a variety of others and that is not fair to them. What I will say is that among all the mis-steps made, drama deepened, anger faced, hopes dashed, and doubts recalled a much worse thing happened: my childhood monsters came out to play.
I don't think I realized they were there until after they were gone, but the problem with childhood monsters is they cause reversion to childhood coping strategies. I was able to blend in some new strategies when I caught myself using the old, but it still felt like a tremendous backslide. The biggest one I lost my footing on is the healthy living stuff. I have been fighting to regain my progress over the last few months, so the backslide felt like an immense defeat. I was able to put it into perspective when I finally acknowledged the now retreating monsters, but it is still frustrating.
This is where the podcasts come in, though with a slight detour first. Earlier this year we had a speaker at work talk about addictions and learning. This speaker, who happens to be someone I know and adore, discussed the process of recovery including the time when the recoveree "practices" sobriety. I thought it was a great idea, that making changes requires us to practice the choices we want to make. If I have to practice to become a better musician or artist or teacher, really anything, of course I have to practice to build a better life. Then I promptly forgot about this idea. In the aftermath of my backslide however it came to mind as I listened to an Ideas podcast. A bit tangential how I got there from the content, but it clicked again.
Life isn't easy, and it isn't meant to be. It takes work to create the life you want. It takes practice. Instead of sitting and regretting the fact I don't have that life right now I need to just practice living it. Part of practice is it gives you the chance to fall down, to fail, and learn from it. And eventually that practice gets you where you want to be.
Tomorrow is a new day. And I plan to use it to practice. The question I have to ask myself when I get up in the morning now is: what kind of life am I going to practice today?
With the exception of a few truly fantastic bright spots, the last few weeks have been pretty unpleasant on this side of the blog. While I normally hold nothing back in regards to my own problems and issues, to go into any detail would involve divulging information about a variety of others and that is not fair to them. What I will say is that among all the mis-steps made, drama deepened, anger faced, hopes dashed, and doubts recalled a much worse thing happened: my childhood monsters came out to play.
I don't think I realized they were there until after they were gone, but the problem with childhood monsters is they cause reversion to childhood coping strategies. I was able to blend in some new strategies when I caught myself using the old, but it still felt like a tremendous backslide. The biggest one I lost my footing on is the healthy living stuff. I have been fighting to regain my progress over the last few months, so the backslide felt like an immense defeat. I was able to put it into perspective when I finally acknowledged the now retreating monsters, but it is still frustrating.
This is where the podcasts come in, though with a slight detour first. Earlier this year we had a speaker at work talk about addictions and learning. This speaker, who happens to be someone I know and adore, discussed the process of recovery including the time when the recoveree "practices" sobriety. I thought it was a great idea, that making changes requires us to practice the choices we want to make. If I have to practice to become a better musician or artist or teacher, really anything, of course I have to practice to build a better life. Then I promptly forgot about this idea. In the aftermath of my backslide however it came to mind as I listened to an Ideas podcast. A bit tangential how I got there from the content, but it clicked again.
Life isn't easy, and it isn't meant to be. It takes work to create the life you want. It takes practice. Instead of sitting and regretting the fact I don't have that life right now I need to just practice living it. Part of practice is it gives you the chance to fall down, to fail, and learn from it. And eventually that practice gets you where you want to be.
Tomorrow is a new day. And I plan to use it to practice. The question I have to ask myself when I get up in the morning now is: what kind of life am I going to practice today?
Sunday, January 26, 2014
This post does not have a theme.
I've been meaning to write something for a while lately, but keep starting entries and then deciding I don't have enough to say. I probably still don't, but I'll give an update and a bit of watch-Linden-try-to-process-life voyeurism anyways.
Maybe just a little bit though, as I managed to burn my forearm in two separate ways (that merged into a single burn) while cooking today and it is right where the edge of my laptop rubs when I'm typing. A bandage is protecting the burn itself, but it's pretty painful each time it rubs!
Life is weird. Sometimes it's big crazy things happening, sometimes it's all the little day to day stuff that can be just as important and influential but less noticeable. I'm happy with my life right now, I am working towards that person I want to be. It is, as always, two steps forward and one step back.
In just over a week I start teaching a night class - it will be exhausting and stressful but I really loved the first time I taught this class and am pretty excited. It will also help with one of my big goals for this year, getting my credit card paid down (more on this part to come in the post). I am really enjoying volunteering at the gallery - it is a lot of fun and while it requires work (even homework!) it is such a nice change of topic and pace. I had a funny experience on my last shift where I realized that my willingness to approach and annoy patrons isn't as normal as I thought - so funny when I think back to being "the girl who doesn't talk." Quirk and I have a lovely home, even if there are still some essentials missing (like a vacuum!)
Honestly my biggest problems right now are pretty minor. I am struggling with a bit of seasonal depression, but it is so minor compared to the fall that I only notice it because I am super aware of my own signs. I'm easily fatigued, irritable, lethargic but restless, and have random down periods related to either too much or too little socialization (apparently I need a REALLY finicky balance!). Other than that it is just trying to have enough self control to deal with multiple things at a time. I have a hard time trying to be good about money and food at the same time, so am trying to find that balance as well. I hate having credit card debt and am hoping to have it completely paid off by this summer thanks to evening classes and other things. Luckily volunteering gives me a good source of free entertainment.
As a final positive note I am working on the running again. I went tonight and bumped myself up to 2s- I've started right back at the beginning. It made a bad mood a million times better, I need to constantly remind myself how it can do that.
Off now to get ready for bed and another week of long days at a job I luckily love (or at least love 80% of).
Maybe just a little bit though, as I managed to burn my forearm in two separate ways (that merged into a single burn) while cooking today and it is right where the edge of my laptop rubs when I'm typing. A bandage is protecting the burn itself, but it's pretty painful each time it rubs!
Life is weird. Sometimes it's big crazy things happening, sometimes it's all the little day to day stuff that can be just as important and influential but less noticeable. I'm happy with my life right now, I am working towards that person I want to be. It is, as always, two steps forward and one step back.
In just over a week I start teaching a night class - it will be exhausting and stressful but I really loved the first time I taught this class and am pretty excited. It will also help with one of my big goals for this year, getting my credit card paid down (more on this part to come in the post). I am really enjoying volunteering at the gallery - it is a lot of fun and while it requires work (even homework!) it is such a nice change of topic and pace. I had a funny experience on my last shift where I realized that my willingness to approach and annoy patrons isn't as normal as I thought - so funny when I think back to being "the girl who doesn't talk." Quirk and I have a lovely home, even if there are still some essentials missing (like a vacuum!)
Honestly my biggest problems right now are pretty minor. I am struggling with a bit of seasonal depression, but it is so minor compared to the fall that I only notice it because I am super aware of my own signs. I'm easily fatigued, irritable, lethargic but restless, and have random down periods related to either too much or too little socialization (apparently I need a REALLY finicky balance!). Other than that it is just trying to have enough self control to deal with multiple things at a time. I have a hard time trying to be good about money and food at the same time, so am trying to find that balance as well. I hate having credit card debt and am hoping to have it completely paid off by this summer thanks to evening classes and other things. Luckily volunteering gives me a good source of free entertainment.
As a final positive note I am working on the running again. I went tonight and bumped myself up to 2s- I've started right back at the beginning. It made a bad mood a million times better, I need to constantly remind myself how it can do that.
Off now to get ready for bed and another week of long days at a job I luckily love (or at least love 80% of).
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