In the next week I will meet my first nephew when the couple that are collectively my best friend have their baby. This fall I will meet my second when my sister-in-law has hers. I am incredibly excited.
Recently I was talking with the father of the first baby and he expressed frustration with the discussion that has been happening recently about misogyny and rape culture. His frustration was not that the discussion was happening but the type of discussion. He expressed that he wants people to talk about what we do want, not just what’s wrong now. He expressed how he wants articles telling him how to raise his son to be different, not just complaining about the status quo.
I somewhat disagree. Healing only happens after people talk and have others listen and feel heard, so there is a place for articles simply exploring peoples’ experiences and encouraging others to discuss theirs. It is an important discussion that needs to happen. But he is right that we also need to look at how we move forward.
So as a complete non-expert in parenting or psychology but someone who plans to love this kid to pieces I asked myself what I would recommend. And this is what I came up with. I have written this
What you already do:
1. Have strong women around. You’ve already made this true. Not only did you marry a smart and strong woman, but you are friends with some kick-ass females. There are two benefits to this. First, because you are friends with women he will see that both males and females are people you can be friends with and value in a nonsexual way as he grows up. Second, he will grow up knowing women who are smart, capable, and just generally amazing so it will be easier for him to see and accept those qualities in other females.
2. Play with gender roles. You already do this and it will make a huge difference. By seeing you split housework and care he will have less firmly defined ideas of “men’s roles” and “women’s roles”. You’re good at this. You even let me help you build stuff and play with power tools (no matter how scared you are I’ll hurt one of us) and letting him see this will make him see these roles as flexible.
What you will do:
3. Talk to him. You’re right, he is going to get lessons from all sorts of other sources like movies and books and TV shows. But he will also get lessons from talking about them. I’m not saying you have to dissect gender roles in Disney with a toddler, but asking questions about and discussing any issues in any media from a young age will teach him to approach media critically. Even just asking “why do you think character X did action Y?” or “what could so-and-so have done differently?” will make him ask questions instead of just accepting everything that media has to say. And yes, when he gets a little older be brave and have the awkward conversations about how relationships and sexuality are portrayed and how it’s problematic. Get him thinking.
4. Speaking of media, introduce him to characters who don’t look like him. This isn’t just a gender thing but a general acceptance of diversity thing. From books about gay penguins to shows with girls who do awesome things to comics with protagonists who aren’t white the more he sees people who don’t look like him as relatable characters the better off he will be in many ways. I plan to help with this part by bringing as many alternative books and such as I can!
5. Model empathy. Teach him through example that other people are just as important as he is and matter. You’ve got this.
You're going to be amazing at this. And I can't wait to meet the little guy!
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