My mum is amazing. For many reasons, but the one I am thinking of tonight is how she manages to help me piece things together in a way I couldn't do myself.
A couple months ago I made the decision that after spending most of my 20s focusing on building up an awesome, independent life for myself it is time I start seriously considering finding someone to share a life with. Yes, over the last decade I have had thoughts that it would be nice to find someone or been sad that I didn't have someone but it was never a priority. It was definitely not something I was going to go out of my way to pursue. I don't regret choosing to focus on building myself, but I do sometimes regret the experiences I haven't gotten to have.
Anyways. After a decade of building up a life of being good on my own I suddenly found I was no longer as okay with being single as I used to be. This was hard on my sense of self as I have always felt it an important part of me that I don't need someone in my life. Now for some reason I was finding it harder to be at home alone, and feeling an intensely strong longing for someone in my life to share my stories and experiences with. I was thinking far too much about finding a man. How do you reconcile being a kick-ass independent feminist with pining away wishing you had someone with an XY chromosome kicking around?
This is where my amazing mum comes in. Tonight I was feeling this especially strongly so called her. She listened to me beat myself up a little bit and then pointed something out to me: it isn't that I suddenly think I need a male in my life, it's that I miss companionship. I think she's right on the money with this one.
In England and then back here crashing with friends I got used to having someone human (Quirk doesn't quite count in this regard) around. After a couple month honeymoon period relishing having my own space again I am going through a readjustment to not having that anymore.
I don't think roommates is a good solution for me. I had some great times with Laura and Michael (and for a briefer period Kenny and Joel) in England, and definitely miss coming home to someone not only willing but happy to cook a delicious dinner. I enjoyed having company at the end of the day to debrief and laugh with. However there were also some pretty awful times and living situation trouble definitely played a role in the mental health crash that happened. Couch-surfing with Chris and then with Courtney and Autumn while finding a home back in Canada was similarly mostly enjoyable (and immensely appreciated), but started to feel a bit cramped. At the end of the day my mental health and Quirk's physical health do better when we have our own space that we control. I think it will simply take some time for me to re-learn how to live alone without being lonely.
The point? I realized something valuable today: yearning for companionship does not take away from the awesome, independent life I have built. Companionship takes many forms and I need to focus on building them all into my life, not just one form that may or may not come now that I have opened the door to it.
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