Self Control

A little over a year ago my doctor encouraged me to try Weight Watchers - I have been obese my entire life and we had been talking for a long time about doing something about it. A week after starting I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic. That was enough to set things into stone for me - I was not going down that road. I started running again, did the program, and by June had lost a little over 60lbs.

Then I moved to England, and stopped making healthy choices. I told myself it was an adjustment period and kept trying to get back on track but it never happened. Then everything* went down and this became not a priority. I came back to Edmonton and kept being a day away from getting back on track. Except I've just gotten further and further away from that metaphorical track - and about 15 lbs away from where I had been. I have gone back to the point where I have no control over food, where I feel food has constant control over me. Every night I regret my choices - it's not about being a size 2 or something, it's about how crappy my body feels having not the right stuff put into it. It's about feeling good and in control and liking what I saw in the mirror. It's about not having a heart attack at a young age or having sugar problems.

Today was another day that started with every intention of making healthy choices, and ended with more than one binge having occured. I will admit I came dangerously close to becoming bulemic at one point before starting the healthier stuff last year - I have always binged, but I reached a point where I would feel so gross that throwing up was the only thing that helped.

God I've never admitted that to more than one or two people. I think my mum and one friend are all that I've told. Yeah. So that happened. And I feel like I'm back on the road there. I feel like I have no control, and like I can't stop the spiral.


It's crazy what happens when you sit down to write. I totally planned to take this in a different direction. I was going to talk about focusing on all the great stuff in my life (my job, my friends, my family, my sweet little apartment, my cat) versus the not great stuff (eating issues, money trouble, and being lonely). For those of you who think I plan out these blog entries or have any control over what I say - ha!

Though that's the problem isn't it? Control. I swear I used to have it. I have no idea where it went - possibly the toxoplasmosis I swear I must have gotten from Quirk has done away with it? - but it's gone.


Okay. Wrangling thoughts back together. I need to get this under control - I worked too hard to go back to the unhealthy relationship with food I had and am returning to. I really don't have time for meetings or anything like that, but I think it's time to reach out online for some support. I keep thinking it should be easy to just snap back into a routine, but it's not. I've come up with a million theories as to why it's gotten bad again (fear of rejection, trying to start a regiment with too many restrictions instead of easing in, lack of kitchen supplies/equipment, and so on) and a million plans for fixing it (goals, rewards, crazy schemes) but I think it's time to simply admit that I need help. And to make myself a priority again.

Help and priorities. Easy right? Let's give this a try...



*I assume if you are reading this you know the story. If not - archives! Tired of telling it.