On paradigm shifts (or, on becoming Wonder Woman).

I just got home from a consult/assessment with Zita, an amazing trainer who I am starting to work with. And I am so excited and happy right now.

It won't take much of a look through these archives to see that my relationship with my body has been through a lot of phases and a lot of changes. I've tried a lot of things to change my body, and I've considered my relationship with my body in different ways. I've hurt my body, I've changed my body, I've been hurt by my body, I've cursed my body, I've cried over my body. I've done it all. I've worked hard to become friends with my body after years of feeling like it wasn't right.

And now I'm actively loving my body. It is a good body. All bodies are good bodies, so my body is a good body. My body has done a lot for me. My body has been through everything I've been through, even though I haven't always kept that in mind. It has experienced all the pain and joy and everything in between that I have. And it does good things. My body hugs people, and provides them comfort. My body takes me to work where I can help other people who live in a wide variety of bodies. My body smiles and laughs and shares me with the world. My body moves and takes me with it, wherever I ask it to go. Well, mostly wherever I ask it to go (when my knee was out of order we had some disagreements). My body cuddles and snuggles and kisses and lets me experience love and affection physically.

I am working with Zita because I want to make my body stronger. I want to take my body running, I miss running. I miss feeling my heart beat wildly and my legs pump and my body move through space. I want to lift heavy things and feel my muscles work and push. And the best part is she gets it. She is helping me realize all the things I've just said. It's amazing to work with someone who doesn't see my body as something to fix, but something to celebrate and to enjoy and improve. Tonight we tested how much my body could lift and push and pull, and my body is strong. I believe her when she says it. I mean, of course my thighs are strong - they work hard every day to carry me through this world. But my arms and back can do cool things. And it felt so good to push them to their limit, I can't wait to do that again. I forgot what it was like to feel connected to my body the way that I felt tonight, and that's something I'm already looking forward to doing more of.

I'm done trying to make my body into something it isn't, but I'm not done making my body happy. And despite the pull of inertia and my couch, my body is happy when it's moving and working. And I am so amazed to have someone on my team who is teaching me this way of thinking and who I know will cheer me on the way I need. After all, she knew tonight that she could get me to keep pushing by saying that it was how I become Wonder Woman...

Photographs & Internalized Fatphobia

I'm supposed to be working on something, but am stuck and keep trying to distract myself. So I thought I would at least distract myself by doing something productive, and getting some thoughts out of my brain and into the interwebs.

My brain has been getting stuck a lot on issues of photographs and fatness and just how far I have to go in my acceptance of my body. As you may or may not know, I'm engaged to my wonderful partner. And one of the traditional things that we have decided to do is get engagement photos done. Two rounds actually, we did some in January, with a nice winter-y backdrop, and now we are doing spring/summer ones this weekend. There is something really important to me about having nice pictures of us, I can't wait to get some framed and put up.

Let me start by saying that I LOVE our first round of photos. They caught our silliness, and our love for each other, so well. And I'm excited to have more.

But, they're photos. And somehow in my brain, I still am always surprised by how fat I am in them. I keep expecting to magically trick the camera into thinking I'm thin. I'm surprised by my double chin, my round belly, my chubby hands.

Now let me be clear. I know I'm fat. I see a fat person when I look in the mirror. And when I look down at my body. And when other people point out my fatness (all too often). And I spent the majority of my days okay with my fatness. My foray (chronicled on this blog) into active weight loss was very successful, temporarily, but resulted eventually in putting on even more weight than I started with. I'm not doing that again. I will work on my strength, and work to find joy in movement and in taking care of my body. But I'm done trying to be thin, that's not happening.

But there's still that part of my brain that has an image of what a happy couple looks like in their engagement photos (and I'm sure I'll actually encounter that in my wedding photos). And it doesn't look like me. So when I look at the photos and see my fat body, my brain still fights against it. I rail against the double chin (and the way my weird sticky-outy actual chin looks against it). I wonder how the camera figured out how fat I am. I compare to the model-like engagement photos I'm used to seeing, and wonder why I'm so wrong. I sigh over how the pictures of our hands managed to catch just how round and non-ladylike my hands look. And I don't know how to not do this.

Being okay with my fatness involves a lot of cognitive dissonance. It involves both loving my body, and hating how my body impacts the world's interactions with me. It involves believing that I am a badass fat woman who gives no fucks, while also being constantly hurt by the world that hates and rejects me. And, apparently, it involves wondering how the camera caught my fatness while also being incredibly happy with how well our photographers caught our joy and our laughter.

At least in this next round I'll have a lightsaber, so hopefully that will help.