On Tattoos and Acts of Resilience

It has been a long time since I have written anything here, took me a minute to brush off the virtual dust and find my place. A lot of this absence has to do with good things that have happened in my life – and while I know people would be happy to celebrate these good things with me, the best of these things has a life of his own and privacy that I want to respect and all that jazz. (If you know me in person you are probably laughing right now because I have a slight tendency to gush and to overshare on Facebook, but this is different).

Anyways. Even when you have something that amazing going on in your life, there are always the things waiting to bring you down. It hasn’t all been sunshine and rainbows, I went through at least one mild depressive state this winter. Luckily I know my triggers and the signs to watch out for so both got acknowledged and responded to quite quickly. And lately work stuff has gotten pretty crazy, to the point it was really affecting me both at and away from work. This triggered what this post is about – the realization that I use tattoos as acts of resilience, and trying to work through my thoughts around that in a public forum because that’s what I do.

As some people may remember, I got my first tattoo a coupleyears ago while in England.  I had moved to England to teach, and as a result of a lot of factors (unstable living situation, removal from support systems, bad work environment, etc.) entered a major depressive episode. 

On a fairly impulsive whim, I decided to go with a friend and get a tattoo. I decided to get the chemical structure of serotonin, a neurotransmitter believed to play a major role in depression and mood, on my right leg just below my knee. Both the image and the placement had a lot of meaning. A very long time ago, when I was a very different version of me, the last place that I self-harmed was that spot on my leg. I wanted to mark it with something positive instead, a reminder of how far I had come and how strong I am. A reminder that while my experiences with depression have been difficult and awful, I am still here and still unbeaten. As strange as it may seem, this act helped a lot with my recovery. It was a permanent, visible reminder that I would be okay in the end. And it has become something I love about my body. I love when strangers ask me about it and I can talk about depression and help defeat stigma (“but you don’t look like someone with a mental illness!”). I love seeing it and feeling strong and determined. It was not just an act of resilience at the time, but serves as a lasting reminder of that resilience when I need it. 

Serotonin tattoo right after being finished - nice and red and itchy!

Cut to 2015. I am back in Edmonton, back doing a job where I love the work but hate the politics. Back dealing with uncertainty, fear, and anxiety due to factors that I am struggling to bring into my control. These factors are starting to affect my life away from work as well, and it’s starting to really get to me. I feel sick every day going to work, and on edge away from it.

I’m sitting at my desk one day when my lovely good thing (as mentioned above) sends me a link. This link in fact. (disclaimer: it might not have been that exact link, but it was to that video). He sends it because one of the things we bonded about when we met is our love of the TV show Firefly, and because he knows I’m struggling, and because I’ll enjoy it. I think. I don’t know why he sent it, I just know I interpreted receiving it. 

I listened to the song, which I know at least one friend of mine hates musically but I love the lyrics of. And I decided that I needed another tattoo. I needed another reminder that I am strong and that no one can take what I love from me. No one can destroy me and bring me down. I especially refuse to be brought down by something as ridiculous as work politics. I will not let other people destroy my health (mental or physical) and the good things in my life.

I should point out I had been considering other tattoos for a long time, pretty much since getting the first. I regularly talk about getting an owl in memory of my Grandmother who I miss (and who loved owls the way I love turtles). I think of getting a world turtle as it is an image I identify with more than any other. I think and think and talk and talk and never actually book anything or make a plan. However when I decided I needed this new tattoo, I booked a consult by the end of that day and had an appointment booked within two weeks.

That appointment was last night:

Tattoo #2 - also right after finishing so also rather red. 

I find it interesting that there are tattoos I have pondered and put off for years, but the two that I have actually gotten were both rather quick, and both related to reminding myself that I am strong and will survive. Looking at this I realized that I use tattoos as acts of resilience – acts to help me get through tough times both when I get them and later. It’s a good reminder that people all have their own reasons and rationales for the ways they mark their body, and makes me wonder – if you have tattoos, what is your thought process? What meaning do they carry?