My mum is amazing. For many reasons, but the one I am thinking of tonight is how she manages to help me piece things together in a way I couldn't do myself.
A couple months ago I made the decision that after spending most of my 20s focusing on building up an awesome, independent life for myself it is time I start seriously considering finding someone to share a life with. Yes, over the last decade I have had thoughts that it would be nice to find someone or been sad that I didn't have someone but it was never a priority. It was definitely not something I was going to go out of my way to pursue. I don't regret choosing to focus on building myself, but I do sometimes regret the experiences I haven't gotten to have.
Anyways. After a decade of building up a life of being good on my own I suddenly found I was no longer as okay with being single as I used to be. This was hard on my sense of self as I have always felt it an important part of me that I don't need someone in my life. Now for some reason I was finding it harder to be at home alone, and feeling an intensely strong longing for someone in my life to share my stories and experiences with. I was thinking far too much about finding a man. How do you reconcile being a kick-ass independent feminist with pining away wishing you had someone with an XY chromosome kicking around?
This is where my amazing mum comes in. Tonight I was feeling this especially strongly so called her. She listened to me beat myself up a little bit and then pointed something out to me: it isn't that I suddenly think I need a male in my life, it's that I miss companionship. I think she's right on the money with this one.
In England and then back here crashing with friends I got used to having someone human (Quirk doesn't quite count in this regard) around. After a couple month honeymoon period relishing having my own space again I am going through a readjustment to not having that anymore.
I don't think roommates is a good solution for me. I had some great times with Laura and Michael (and for a briefer period Kenny and Joel) in England, and definitely miss coming home to someone not only willing but happy to cook a delicious dinner. I enjoyed having company at the end of the day to debrief and laugh with. However there were also some pretty awful times and living situation trouble definitely played a role in the mental health crash that happened. Couch-surfing with Chris and then with Courtney and Autumn while finding a home back in Canada was similarly mostly enjoyable (and immensely appreciated), but started to feel a bit cramped. At the end of the day my mental health and Quirk's physical health do better when we have our own space that we control. I think it will simply take some time for me to re-learn how to live alone without being lonely.
The point? I realized something valuable today: yearning for companionship does not take away from the awesome, independent life I have built. Companionship takes many forms and I need to focus on building them all into my life, not just one form that may or may not come now that I have opened the door to it.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
On doors and paths and a little creative writing.
One day she opened the door. That door. The one she had kept firmly blockaded shut for so long, too long. She hadn't even noticed the blockade when it first accumulated, but it had become her safety. She occasionally glimpsed the sun peeking through the cracks but the blockade kept out the rain. She had once needed this. She had needed this shelter to repair the cracks she'd found and to grow into the shape she now took.
Then she dismantled the blockade, piece by piece, and opened the door. Why now? She couldn't tell you. A sense of readiness? Curiosity? Boredom? Your guess is as good as hers. No matter the why, it was now open.
It would be nice to say she opened this door onto a beautiful and sun-drenched garden, but alas the world doesn't work that way. All she found was a path. Like all paths it has its hills and valleys, flowers springing up through the stones and garbage blocking the way, mucky sections and easy goings.
This path is meandering, but she is certain of one thing. There is no going back behind that door. She will walk it and see where the twists and turns lead. She might even run it, a little too impatient to see what it leads to, though so far that has only resulted in twisted ankles and some minor bruising. No matter, that happens. But she will keep on this treacherous and glorious path; she is excited to see what is around the next turn.
Then she dismantled the blockade, piece by piece, and opened the door. Why now? She couldn't tell you. A sense of readiness? Curiosity? Boredom? Your guess is as good as hers. No matter the why, it was now open.
It would be nice to say she opened this door onto a beautiful and sun-drenched garden, but alas the world doesn't work that way. All she found was a path. Like all paths it has its hills and valleys, flowers springing up through the stones and garbage blocking the way, mucky sections and easy goings.
This path is meandering, but she is certain of one thing. There is no going back behind that door. She will walk it and see where the twists and turns lead. She might even run it, a little too impatient to see what it leads to, though so far that has only resulted in twisted ankles and some minor bruising. No matter, that happens. But she will keep on this treacherous and glorious path; she is excited to see what is around the next turn.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
On Practice
I listen to far too many podcasts. I mean it, I listen to a truly ridiculous number of hours of people talking. They give me so many thoughts and ideas I want to share, but by the time I finish my walk or run or whatever it is I'm doing I have lost the words. Tonight I held onto a few however, so here goes.
With the exception of a few truly fantastic bright spots, the last few weeks have been pretty unpleasant on this side of the blog. While I normally hold nothing back in regards to my own problems and issues, to go into any detail would involve divulging information about a variety of others and that is not fair to them. What I will say is that among all the mis-steps made, drama deepened, anger faced, hopes dashed, and doubts recalled a much worse thing happened: my childhood monsters came out to play.
I don't think I realized they were there until after they were gone, but the problem with childhood monsters is they cause reversion to childhood coping strategies. I was able to blend in some new strategies when I caught myself using the old, but it still felt like a tremendous backslide. The biggest one I lost my footing on is the healthy living stuff. I have been fighting to regain my progress over the last few months, so the backslide felt like an immense defeat. I was able to put it into perspective when I finally acknowledged the now retreating monsters, but it is still frustrating.
This is where the podcasts come in, though with a slight detour first. Earlier this year we had a speaker at work talk about addictions and learning. This speaker, who happens to be someone I know and adore, discussed the process of recovery including the time when the recoveree "practices" sobriety. I thought it was a great idea, that making changes requires us to practice the choices we want to make. If I have to practice to become a better musician or artist or teacher, really anything, of course I have to practice to build a better life. Then I promptly forgot about this idea. In the aftermath of my backslide however it came to mind as I listened to an Ideas podcast. A bit tangential how I got there from the content, but it clicked again.
Life isn't easy, and it isn't meant to be. It takes work to create the life you want. It takes practice. Instead of sitting and regretting the fact I don't have that life right now I need to just practice living it. Part of practice is it gives you the chance to fall down, to fail, and learn from it. And eventually that practice gets you where you want to be.
Tomorrow is a new day. And I plan to use it to practice. The question I have to ask myself when I get up in the morning now is: what kind of life am I going to practice today?
With the exception of a few truly fantastic bright spots, the last few weeks have been pretty unpleasant on this side of the blog. While I normally hold nothing back in regards to my own problems and issues, to go into any detail would involve divulging information about a variety of others and that is not fair to them. What I will say is that among all the mis-steps made, drama deepened, anger faced, hopes dashed, and doubts recalled a much worse thing happened: my childhood monsters came out to play.
I don't think I realized they were there until after they were gone, but the problem with childhood monsters is they cause reversion to childhood coping strategies. I was able to blend in some new strategies when I caught myself using the old, but it still felt like a tremendous backslide. The biggest one I lost my footing on is the healthy living stuff. I have been fighting to regain my progress over the last few months, so the backslide felt like an immense defeat. I was able to put it into perspective when I finally acknowledged the now retreating monsters, but it is still frustrating.
This is where the podcasts come in, though with a slight detour first. Earlier this year we had a speaker at work talk about addictions and learning. This speaker, who happens to be someone I know and adore, discussed the process of recovery including the time when the recoveree "practices" sobriety. I thought it was a great idea, that making changes requires us to practice the choices we want to make. If I have to practice to become a better musician or artist or teacher, really anything, of course I have to practice to build a better life. Then I promptly forgot about this idea. In the aftermath of my backslide however it came to mind as I listened to an Ideas podcast. A bit tangential how I got there from the content, but it clicked again.
Life isn't easy, and it isn't meant to be. It takes work to create the life you want. It takes practice. Instead of sitting and regretting the fact I don't have that life right now I need to just practice living it. Part of practice is it gives you the chance to fall down, to fail, and learn from it. And eventually that practice gets you where you want to be.
Tomorrow is a new day. And I plan to use it to practice. The question I have to ask myself when I get up in the morning now is: what kind of life am I going to practice today?
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