Depression Thoughts

When the darkness comes, I can remember days it wasn't around. I know those days existed, but it feels like they may never come again. When I can't get out of bed because my body feels chained down by despair, it's hard to believe I'll someday climb a mountain again. When the question of what to eat feels like slogging through advanced thermodynamics, its hard to believe there will be a day when I revel in sticky problems to solve again. It's hard to believe that future me can ever be as good as past me has in their best moments. 

I also remember the days the darkness came before. In my secret heart, I almost miss when the darkness came with the violence of a storm. When it lashed me with pain that was sharp and cutting. When I could scream that hurt back at the cruel world. Now it comes with heaviness. Instead of cutting, it drowns. I am no longer withstanding a fearsome tempest, but trying to dig myself out from a heavy mire. At least then it was interesting. 

I know I can withstand the darkness. I don't always know how, but I've done it before. I just wish I didn't have to.