*this post is being written on my phone from my bed, because my damaged tailbone is telling me it is done with sitting in chairs for the night. Please forgive the higher than average typo and spelling mistake rate.
For comic club tonight we read Paper Girls, which is pretty delightful. As part of the discussion, someone asked what we would say to our 12 year old selves. I thought about it on the way home and found myself composing a letter, so I might as well write it down.
Dear Linden,
The single most important thing for you to know is that you are not only loveable, but you are loved. Even though it won't always feel like it, you are. I'll be honest, I'm still working on learning this one. But believe me when I say you are.
It's not going to be an easy road, and I'm selfish so I'm not going to tell you how to change it. I like where I am, and don't want to Back to the Future myself out of this life. Yes, you will someday actually watch that movie. But I want to give you heads up and maybe some armor.
It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt so much you don't see options through the dark. It's okay. You make it through. And it gets better. You learn new tools, and build a network of love and support that holds you up when you can't do it on your own. But for now, just know you survive.
Friendship is both easier and harder than you think right now. It gets easier when your selection pool grows, that's for sure. And you are going to meet the most amazing people you could ever imagine. And they are going to love you, which is super cool. You will learn that friendship isn't about competition and who is closer to person X, it's about being there for that person and being glad others are too. Best friends don't come from exclusion of others, but from deep and genuine love.
You will give up on some things you love because of how others perceive you. It's okay. Forgive yourself for this, because they will come back to you. Even better, they bring amazing people with them when they come back.
Your body is never going to look like those magazine covers. It will have periods of strength, and periods of injury or weakness. But you will slowly learn to love it and care for it. You are a team, not opposing forces.
You will find romantic love too. It takes you longer than you might be hoping, but it is damn worth it. Be hopeful. And be open minded. Don't pretend that voice admiring the cute girl isn't there. We both know it is, and that's totally okay. And it's okay that you're going to ignore me and hide that from yourself for a long time, because you have a lot to deal with. You find a good guy, and you get to keep him. I know, because he has agreed to marry me.
Last, but not least, you've got this. Sometimes you're running and other times you're crawling, but you will keep going forward and building something spectacular. Take some time to enjoy the oases of happiness and love and joy you encounter, they help get you through.
Signed,
Older Linden.
