Depression and Spell Slots

This rambling takes some background to understand, but is something I need to put on paper.

Have you heard of the spoon theory? This metaphor, introduced by Christine Miseradino in 2003, is used by some in the disability and chronic illness communities to describe having to ration energy for daily living tasks in a way that those without similar energy limits don't have to. The general idea is that a person has a set number of 'spoons' of energy at the start of the day, and each task uses up a certain amount. For a person with limited spoons, spending them on daily living tasks (brushing teeth, washing hair, getting dressed) means having fewer (or none) later in the day.

This was then adapted for nerdy folks like me, with the spell slot version via Tumblr:

I was thinking about this today, as I got home from the one (of two) workout class I managed to attend and crashed from having almost no spoons (or spell slots) left. And I realized another beauty of the spell slot theory for people whose energy limitations come and go - such as mine does with my depression.

In D & D, there are spells that a magic user can cast unlimited times per day. These are called cantrips. For me, a lot of stuff in life would be cantrips. This includes the things described above -showering, brushing teeth, getting dressed, eating food (not prepping, but actually eating), etc. These things normally don't use up any of my spell slots.

But then an episode hits. And it's like all of my spells have moved up a slot. So what was a cantrip before is now a 1st level spell. And what was a 1st level spell before, like driving to work or waiting for the bus, is now a 2nd level spell.

So now I have to use up all my lower level spell slots doing things that used to be cantrips for me. Eating food is hard. Spell slot used. Brushing my teeth feels like work. Spell slot used.

Soon I am out of 1st and 2nd level spell slots. I used those on things I normally don't have to. So now I'm using up my 3rd and 4th and 5th level spell slots on things that on other days would have been 1st and 2nd level spells. And I'm running out of spell slots. I'm not used to rationing them, because I don't live in this state permanently.

For someone else, this is what their spellbook always looks like. They never had cantrips, and they always use 1st level slots for those same things. They live every day using up all their spell slots on daily living. Or choosing what to do and what not to do to save up spell slots for the boss battles of work, school, and just leaving the house in general. And for another person, the things that are usually 1st or 2nd level spells for me are cantrips. They don't use their spell slots at all on those daily living activities, or even on some bigger things because they have a huge selection of cantrips.

And me? I live out the episode, learning to manage my spell slots until it is gone so that I can scrape by. But I know the episode will come back again and again and again. All I can do is hope I notice it sooner and learn to manage it faster each time.

Dear 12 year old me.

*this post is being written on my phone from my bed, because my damaged tailbone is telling me it is done with sitting in chairs for the night. Please forgive the higher than average typo and spelling mistake rate.

For comic club tonight we read Paper Girls, which is pretty delightful. As part of the discussion, someone asked what we would say to our 12 year old selves. I thought about it on the way home and found myself composing a letter, so I might as well write it down.

Dear Linden,

The single most important thing for you to know is that you are not only loveable, but you are loved. Even though it won't always feel like it, you are. I'll be honest, I'm still working on learning this one. But believe me when I say you are.

It's not going to be an easy road, and I'm selfish so I'm not going to tell you how to change it. I like where I am, and don't want to Back to the Future myself out of this life. Yes, you will someday actually watch that movie. But I want to give you heads up and maybe some armor.

It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt so much you don't see options through the dark. It's okay. You make it through. And it gets better. You learn new tools, and build a network of love and support that holds you up when you can't do it on your own. But for now, just know you survive.

Friendship is both easier and harder than you think right now. It gets easier when your selection pool grows, that's for sure. And you are going to meet the most amazing people you could ever imagine. And they are going to love you, which is super cool. You will learn that friendship isn't about competition and who is closer to person X, it's about being there for that person and being glad others are too. Best friends don't come from exclusion of others, but from deep and genuine love.

You will give up on some things you love because of how others perceive you. It's okay. Forgive yourself for this, because they will come back to you. Even better, they bring amazing people with them when they come back.

Your body is never going to look like those magazine covers. It will have periods of strength, and periods of injury or weakness. But you will slowly learn to love it and care for it. You are a team, not opposing forces.

You will find romantic love too. It takes you longer than you might be hoping, but it is damn worth it. Be hopeful. And be open minded. Don't pretend that voice admiring the cute girl isn't there. We both know it is, and that's totally okay. And it's okay that you're going to ignore me and hide that from yourself for a long time, because you have a lot to deal with. You find a good guy, and you get to keep him. I know, because he has agreed to marry me.

Last, but not least, you've got this. Sometimes you're running and other times you're crawling, but you will keep going forward and building something spectacular. Take some time to enjoy the oases of happiness and love and joy you encounter, they help get you through.

Signed, 

Older Linden.