I often consider September to be my true new year, as I have never left the world of having a new school year be a thing in my life. But this is the generally agreed upon new year, and I am choosing to take it as an opportunity for some reflection and contemplation.
2017 has been a hell of a year. I think the last couple years (and my approach to the new year) are well covered by Sarah Anderson in this Sarah's Scribbles page. But 2017 has also had good in it, and I want to look at both.
The biggest thing that I think of when I look back over the year is my body and my functioning. At the start of 2017 I was in weekly physio appointments. I was improving, but my knee was still a serious limitation to my ability to be out and about enjoying life. I was spending hours a week on just recovery and pain reduction. It was still giving out on me occasionally, making doing things a bit scary. I was avoiding stairs, and concrete floors were the bane of my existence. Between an amazing gift from an amazing friend giving me gym access for the year, a fantastic personal trainer with the right philosophy for me, and a fitness studio that is magic and accepting and powerfully positive, this has all changed. Except the concrete floors, I will always hate those. I am not in pain on a daily basis. My knees do not randomly give out. I can walk from one end of the campus at work to the other without having to worry about it. I also got to do things like walk around Cape Breton and not worry about it, which was amazing.
After I typed that part, I saw a friend's reflection and for the rest of this I am going to steal the questions she uses every year, with some edits or changes (I cut some, or changed wording, because it's my reflection and I can).
Sum up your year in a nutshell:
2017: This year was slow, sometimes painful, growth. I've continued to work away on some things I had already been working on, I've had some setbacks, I've faced my trauma again, and I've questioned a lot of things. Even with a rough couple days right at the end, this is the most okay with who I am that I have felt in a long time. It has also been a year with a ridiculous amount of love, friendship, and support that I still sometimes wonder how I have earned, but I am glad I have it all.
What did you do this year that you had never done before?
2017: This is a hard one, I don't tend to think in these terms. One thing that seems small but has had a huge impact on my life is trying Pound fitness (I'm so glad I convinced Krista to try this with me!). Another is starting the women's D & D group, I'm actually super proud of that (especially when people tell me how excited they are for the next session and how much they are enjoying it).
Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions and will you make more next year?
2017: I don't think I made any last year. This year, I want to focus on keeping up and building on my progress with finding a joyful relationship with physical activity. I want to be mindful of my own needs and actually take them into consideration. And I want to be more on top of the house. I'm not necessarily going to make formal resolutions, but those are the areas I would like to place more focus.
What major life events happened this year?
2017: In May, we had our first truly intentional Couteret family event, and it was wonderful to have that time with my family. We had our usual trip out east this summer. This fall we got another wonderful nibling, Elena.
Where did you travel this year?
2017: As just mentioned, we did our trip to visit family on the east coast this summer. We also got to explore Cape Breton Island and some of New Brunswick, I love this time on the coast.
What did you lack in this year that you would like more of in the next?
2017: Energy. I had major fatigue for a significant portion of this year. I never did hear back from the doctor after my unpleasant visit, so I still don't know if it was iron or something else, but I want to have enough energy to survive my life this next year.
What events from this year will remain etched upon your memory?
2017: Taking ridiculous silly photos with Kyle and lightsabers, hiking Cape Breton, Women's March
What could you have improved upon?
2017: Acknowledging when I wasn't coping well, working through my emotions so that I could express them rather than letting them explode, expressing my needs.
What did you get really really excited about?
2017: My project! As stressed as I am about it (I'm currently in denial of doing a workshop pilot in less than two weeks), it has been so fun to think about and work on.
What song will always remind you of 2017?
2017: Praying by Kesha. I didn't even like her music before this album came out, but this song connected with me and the hurt I have carried around in a visceral way. It has helped me cry and shout and do all the things I needed to do to get through pain this year.
Compared to this time last year, are you happier or hardened?
2017: A bit of both? It's been a hard year for the world, and I've had to let my skin get thicker. But I'm in a better place.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
2017: Trying to please people. I've spent my whole life doing this, and I can spend hours unpacking why, but this year I've been really starting to shift away from this. I will always try to please the people I care about, but I'm really working on learning how to not care what someone thinks when there's no reason for me to care.
Did you fall in love this year?
2017: This year I fell in love with my body. I still struggle with self-esteem and internalized fatmisia and all that, but I fell deeply in love with the things my body can do and how it feels doing those things. I wrote a love letter to my legs on this blog this winter, although I felt too awkward to share it openly. I could (and might) write similar ones for my arms and my core and my lungs and my heart and all of me.
What was your favourite media? (TV/movies, music, books)
2017: This is the year of Wonder Woman. I started to discover her last year through some really great series that I picked up, but this is the year that I really fell in love with what she stands for. The movie was fantastic (yes problematic, but everything is) and the message I took from it was that it isn't about deserve, it's about what you believe in. It's a damn good message.
For music, I really started to like and listen more to Rural Alberta Advantage, and I listened to a ton of Arkells and Lumineers. Also the Kesha album I mentioned. I found lots of amazing, empowering music through some of the workout classes and through friends, it has been a good year for music that makes me feel like I can take on the world.
For books, I am going to have to go with Hunger by Roxane Gay. I read it on a flight, challenging anyone to say anything to me about my size or the space I was taking up, and it felt amazing.
What did you want, and get?
2017: Great photos of the two of us, which are very important to me. Lots of little things, but those are just things. An adorable new nibling, even if I only see her through pictures and videos for now.
What did you want, and not get?
2017: A new home. We chose to stay in this place for another year, because it made sense, but I can't wait to get out of this box. Also, a temporary stint as supervisor (but I'm really glad I didn't, it definitely worked out for the best).
What political issue stirred you the most?
2017: All of them? This was a hard year. People are hurting, and it's not a good world right now. But I have had to learn to see what is happening, engage when I can, and disengage to save myself and my mental health.
What valuable lesson did you learn?
2017: That it's okay to say ask for what I need, and that there are people in my life who will (for some strange reason) keep loving me no matter what.
