It has been roughly four months since I started working with an amazing trainer and re-focusing time and energy on my physical well-being. I've been thinking today about what things have changed in this time, and why these things are important to me.
1) I make food decisions based on nourishment. I try really hard to not think of "good" and "bad" food (although I do still fall into this trap), but have gotten good at asking myself if I'm going to be nourished by food. I resisted free pumpkin pie today (not to worry, I've had my share in the last week) because I recognized it didn't add any nourishment for me. I later did choose to eat a cookie that a colleague brought me because I recognized that it was an act of relationship building, and that did nourish something. I can't say for sure what choice I would have made before, but I know my thought pattern would have been different.
2) I move more easily. My knees are currently angry at me (physio is booked for next week), but otherwise I am having an easier time navigating the world. And it's more fun, because the songs from High and Pound fitness classes play in my head while I'm moving through the world and sometimes I make my movements match them.
3) I have better posture. It might just be that my core muscles are sore more often, and they hurt less when I sit/stand with properly, but I'll take it.
4) I feel more confident and badass. I just do.
Things that have not changed:
1) I'm definitely still fat and passionate about fat activism. It shouldn't matter whether or not I'm working out, I was as valid a person before starting this as I am now. And I'm not doing this to stop being fat. I'm just loving having a different relationship with myself and with my body.
2) I still have mental health diagnoses. Fun fact, I can't exercise those away. Nor can I exercise away trauma. But I can use it as one of my coping tools in a large tool set.
3) I'm still experiencing burn out and fatigue. I also can't exercise those away. Sometimes it makes it worse, because I have to leave the house and spend energy. But it has so many other therapeutic benefits that I do it anyways.
4) I'm still in awe of the love and support of the people in my life. Always and forever.
