I've been experiencing some pretty intense fatigue lately. Not being able to move my body because I can't make my brain and my body communicate level fatigue. After missing work on Monday because I literally could not get my body out of bed, I finally sucked it up and booked a doctor's appointment this week. (I'll note that I'm pretty sure this is not depression because it is missing some of the key features of my usual depressions, so I'm trying to see if this is a physical thing such as low iron). It has taken me a few days to process my doctor's appointment and realize what was really happening, but I want to break it down a bit.
I got into the appointment and he asked why I was there. I described what's been happening, and he said "oh, so you're very tired". He then started asking about sleep apnea, including cutting me off when I tried to explain my background with sleep and sleeping pills. That didn't matter to him, only if it might be apnea. He then started asking me about my asthma, which seemed weird and unrelated.
I realize now he was asking because he needed a diagnosis beyond obesity to be able to transition the appointment to a medical care plan one. He cared about sleep apnea because that can be caused or made worse by weight. He cared about asthma because it lets him put me on a plan. But at the time I was just super confused about why it was relevant when my asthma is very well controlled.
He then spent the rest of the appointment talking about what mattered in his mind - my weight. He asked if I'm doing anything to lose weight, and then asked me if I've considered the bariatric clinic. Even after I said quite clearly that I am not interested, he expounded the greatness of bariatric surgery before saying that it was okay that I wait because I'm still young. He drew up a medical care plan and set a goal for me (with no input from me) to bring my BMI to below 25. (I find this hilarious for so many reasons). He then did a blood test requisition for me and sent me on my way.
Let me be clear, this was nothing compared to what I and others have experienced from doctors while being fat. No one called me names, or declined my care, or explicitly degraded my morality because of the shape of my body. All in all, this was a pretty average medical appointment as a fat person.
But I'm still bothered. I'm bothered that what I came in for took a back seat to my body size, again. I'm bothered at the idea that my wishes didn't matter as much as what he thinks is important. I'm bothered that goal setting was one-sided and ridiculous (and used such an incredibly flawed measure). I'm annoyed that someone who is in charge of my medical care clearly has so little understanding of obesity that he sees that as an appropriate approach and an appropriate goal for me. Really?
And I'm bothered by the fact that I'm left wondering - what would this appointment have looked like if I weren't fat? What questions would he have asked if a thin person walked in with these symptoms? What would it be like to be treated like a person with a problem, not a person who is a problem.
