I recently started thinking of the things I have done in my life that I am proud of. And after thinking about this for a while, I started to feel a need to make a list that I can look back at during bad times.
1. I've started over. And over. And over.
The first time I had to start over was when I left the small town and came to the city to go to school. It was terrifying. Even with the ready-built community of Residence, it still was up to me to make new friends, build new social structures, and do the hard work of learning to be a post-secondary student without my familiar supports. And then I moved back to a small town to teach and had to do it again. And then into an adjacent city. Even to a new country.
Each time I've moved communities or changed jobs has been a chance to start again. To build the community that I want to surround myself with, to develop new and different friendships, to decide who I am. And coming back home after my brief adventure in England? That was the biggest fresh start ever. There's something to be said of getting rid of everything you own to move away, and then coming back to start building again. Speaking of,
2. I've taken risks. And sometimes lost.
England was the biggest, and the most disastrous. But I don't regret it. I did a huge and scary thing and moved overseas. But I've also taken smaller risks. I've applied for jobs I really wanted and had my heart crushed by not getting them. I've forced myself to go from the girl who doesn't talk to the woman who loves giving presentations and jumps at each opportunity. I've put myself out there and been vulnerable again and again and again. I've been hurt and I've failed, but I've also succeeded sometimes. The losses taught me a lot, including that I can lose and still keep going. And the successes have been beautiful and worth every ounce of risk.
3. I've lived alone.
I spent the first decade of adulthood focused on building me. I lived alone for most of this time, I focused my energy on education and career, and I became a person I like (at least most of the time). I bore responsibility all by myself for making major decisions, for making things work when they weren't working, and for figuring out who I wanted to be.
4. I've gone outside my field.
In the last ten years I have worked or volunteered in a food bank, lots of education related areas, an art gallery, at a la-de-dah business people event (thanks to David!), at community gatherings, and in other areas I can't think of. While my passion may be education and disability rights, that's never stopped me from doing other things.
5. I've worked hard.
I've done the three job to make ends meet thing, I'm doing the job and grad school thing, I've done the working and volunteering regularly thing. I know I can do what needs to get done.
6. I've disclosed.
This is one I sometimes feel tricky talking about, because I never want to make any feel bad for not disclosing. But I choose to live a life where I openly acknowledge and discuss my chronic depression and anxiety with no shame or embarrassment. It can be scary, and I do still fear consequences. I worry that people will think it means I can't do my job, or that I won't be a good partner, or that I can't be relied on. But, I have not yet had those consequences, and every day that I openly talk about my mental illness is another day of fighting stigma.
7. I've survived.
Speaking of, I've kept going. I've survived depressive episodes and anxiety attacks and self-harm and suicidal episodes. I've survived one of the worst depressions of my life while living far away from all my normal support systems and with no access to health care or mental health services. I have learned to recognize the signs that I am entering a bad space and built the skills and support networks to minimize how bad it gets. I have built my life to include strong supports, to minimize things that can trigger episodes, and to live with this wonky brain chemistry. The thing about surviving is it keeps me in perspective. I know I can survive pretty much anything. Except zombies. I would die so quickly if there were zombies.
