This is one of my rant posts that people who may not like what I have to say should maybe just not read. I've been thinking a lot today about body positivity. Largely because of this lovely bit of body shaming, but also because I started researching fatkinis out of curiosity. Plus, I recently saw my personal body positivity hero, Laura, who always reminds and encourages me to think about myself in a positive way (even if she doesn't know she's doing so).
In researching fatkinis I came across a wonderful thing, a body positive guide to bathing suit shopping. And I loved it, until I got to the bottom where the author had to write a note explaining that she wasn't advocating for obesity. Which she really wasn't.
But it made me angry that she even had to defend herself. I hate that every time I share something about body positivity or see something shared, it devolves into a discussion of whether or not this is promoting obesity and therefore a horrible thing.
Do you know what promotes obesity? Self-hatred. At least in me that's what it does. I'm fat because of a bad combination of genes, coping skills (emotional eating anyone?), medications, and I'll admit laziness. At my biggest, I was basically 300 pounds. At my smallest, I got down to 220. Now? Let's just say I'm a little afraid to step on the scale. And I have made plenty of bad decisions that have affected this. But, one of the biggest factors in my journey has always been, and continues to be, low self-esteem and self-worth.
Seriously - when I hate myself (which happens), do you want to know what my first response is? Eat. Because food is my one sin I let myself indulge in. Food was there for me when no human was, and became my coping method. Do you know what makes me hate myself? Being called a fat bitch when I walk down the street. Having classmates use me as the way to make fun of each other ("yeah, well you like Linden so how pathetic are you?" "Ewww! No I don't!") within earshot. Looking in the mirror and knowing that I will never live up to the standard of beauty that I have had drilled into my head as being the only acceptable way to be. Feeling like I can't partake in activities that I would enjoy because no one would want to see me that way (cosplay). Never being good enough, because I can never fit a mould that I was never made to fit.
Maybe all of you out there who are so concerned about my physical health that anytime something comes up that says "hey, you're amazing just as you are and worthy and beautiful" you need to bring out your obesity soapbox should be worried a little more about my mental health. Being allowed (and encouraged) to feel beautiful just as I am, without needing to change, lets me feel like I have a place in this world. And in turn, it might just help me feel like I want to be healthier so I can enjoy that place for longer.
Now replace me with "every person who is plus-size in our world" in that last paragraph. Maybe, instead of attacking body-positivity movements for a perceived support of physical unhealthiness**, we should consider them an empowering approach to mental health. Maybe if we create a world where it's okay to be however you are, and we can see the beauty and uniqueness of each individual, we can create a world where people are happier and healthier in all dimensions. Which is a hell of a lot more important.
**I don't really know where to fit in here that all of this can lead to even worse health anyways. Anyone ever heard of yo-yo dieting and how it destroys your body? Because that's what we're encouraging when we body-shame people. I could try to go back to 220 now, but I can see how I'm on the brink of falling into this incredibly unhealthy (physically and emotionally) pattern so I'm going to focus on improving my mental health and making incremental changes towards an overall healthier lifestyle.
