I just finished a tough run. There are two main reasons it was tough:
1. I upped my intervals which involves adding to my total actual running time. I'm getting close to race ready! (Though not close enough considering my first race is in 10 days)
2. As soon as I started running I had an uncomfortable feeling. It's one that I know well though I haven't had in a while. It is the horrible feeling of not being able to get air all the way into your lungs now matter how hard you try. It is the nightmare of asthmatics. I haven't experienced it at all this season as I have been doing something smart and new - more on this later - and have no idea why it happened today. If you have never had this feeling you are very lucky. It is far beyond simply being out of breath. You are pulling as hard as you can with your diaphragm and intercostal muscles but it's like there's a blockage and the air just won't fill your lungs. I could go into science teacher mode and discuss bronchi and bronchioles and all that here but I will spare you.
As I fought to get enough oxygen into my working muscles I thought a lot about my history with asthma. I was diagnosed as a kid after going through a full respiratory assessment. It was never a huge issue, I don't have attacks unless I'm involved in some form of activity. After the first few months I have simply had a prescription for a ventilator (or rescue inhaler), my attacks are so rare there really was no justification for preventative treatment.
I actually forgot I had asthma for quite a while. Then I started running and was reminded quite forcefully. The first time I had an attack while on a run (the day I learned that I can't run in the winter) was completely terrifying. I have had a few since, some of which I've blogged as they were hilariously disastrous in other ways as well. Not many, but enough that it is a hassle. And a risk, especially since I was developing a bad habit of not carrying my inhaler so not having it when needed.
This all changed this spring thanks to a student. I was working on the respiratory unit with my gaggle of Biology 20 students and told one of them about my ridiculous attack. She just gave me this funny look and said "I don't understand. Why don't you just use your inhaler before you run?" It was an excellent question. I thought about it and realized I didn't do this for the same two reasons I didn't like to carry my inhaler with me: 1. I hate acknowledging that I have this weakness. 2. It feels like cheating.
Now these are pretty ridiculous reasons for anyone. But what makes them completely ridiculous for me is that this is the exact opposite of how I deal with my depression. I'm going to guess if you're reading this you are probably aware of at least some of my history with depression. If not, just go down a few entries. I have blogged the hell out of depression because I have never in my life felt a need to deny or hide the fact I deal with it. Ever.
Let's just make sure that's clear. I have no problem admitting to people that I have depression but hate admitting to asthma so much I was putting myself at risk. How does this make sense? It isn't like asthma is stigmatized the way depression can be. Or is it? Thinking of this on my run I realized that the most common portrayal of asthmatic characters is when a chubby, comedic, nerdy secondary male character has to pull out their inhaler after even the slightest bit of physical activity. This is unfortunate for any kids out there who happen to have defective bronchioles. I think it has more to do, for me at least, with the idea that my asthma will never get better. Depression won't go away but I can learn coping mechanisms and control my triggers so it is less problematic. I have done a pretty good job of this. But I can't ever train away the asthma.
Let's go to the second reason. Again to compare I have always been open about my med compliance with anti-depressants. I often say (and truly believe) that I would not have lived through my teenage years without a good doctor, a good counsellor, and my prescriptions. It took a long time to get the right combination but it has made a huge difference in my life. Yet I see using my inhaler for preventative reasons before a run as cheating. Why? Part of it is the mere word "steroid" - it conjures up thoughts of cheating immediately. But that doesn't fully explain this weird hesitation, and I honestly don't have the rest of the explanation.
Sitting there in my office with that student all of this ran through my head. Later that day I went for a run and within minutes started to struggle breathing. This time I had my inhaler though, I had felt so silly with her that I took it with me. I realized for possibly the first time that making it so my lungs can actually function properly isn't cheating and isn't a sign of weakness. It's just smart. Every run since I have used my inhaler before setting out. It makes a huge difference, not just in my ability to breathe but in my ability to settle into a pace and just go.
I don't know why I struggled with my respiration today. Maybe my body just knows I need the occasional reminder of how much my lungs love oxygen and why it is important I recognize their need for a little help here and there. Or maybe the fact it's bloody warm (compared to what I'm used to) threw my body for a bit. All I know is that just like a history of depression can't stop me from living fully a history of asthma can't stop me from getting out and pushing my body to its limits. And neither is something I need to feel any shame about!
