Hello anyone who is reading this,
I have decided to (again) change the point of this blog. When my computer at home started dying a slow painful death (it is currently on life-support, waiting for the day it truly leaves this world) I stopped blogging because I find it REALLY annoying to use Blogger on my iPad (I have to look into if there is an app for that...) Things related to my original purpose (gender issues) have popped up and I have thought "hey... I should blog about that..." and then not been willing to deal with the frustration involved in doing so. But lately something else has been going on in my life that I wanted to collect my various Facebook posts about and move them here and put my thoughts out in a longer format that is less annoying for people who aren't interested in them.
So I decided to give this blogging thing another last try. I am currently using my work computer (on my breaks! Don't worry I'm not being a bad employee!) which is less annoying than the iPad. I decided to not even bother having a title because I don't know what the theme will be, it will be whatever the hell I feel like talking about.
And today I feel like talking about my health journey.
I have been obese pretty much my entire life. There are many factors: depression and using food for comfort, genetic pre-disposition to being large, Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome messing with my hormones, and others. I don't like being obese, but sometimes it feels easier. It's a barrier I can hide behind so that people reject me for it, not for me. It has been a soft, cushiony, security blanket wrapped around my entire body for years. But it has also caused me a lot of pain: harassment, loneliness, physical problems.
So in November my psychiatrist (remember the depression I remembered?) told me to pretty much suck it up and try Weight Watchers Online. This began my journey:
Facebook Post: Nov 24, 2012:
At the request of my doctor, I have given and
decided to do something I have long resisted: weight watchers online. I
have been resistant in the past because of my dislike of profiting from
someone's health issues and pride in wanting to get healthy alone.
However it is time to try something new. And because I have awesome
people in my life I know they will want to support me. How can they do
so? Take me for walks, have healthy options around when we socialize,
and just give me lots of love and emotional support. With people in my
corner I might finally have a chance at achieving this long standing
goal (and not die of a heart attack before I'm 30).
About a week after that post I went for some blood tests that I had been putting off forever. These came back with high enough fasting sugar levels for my doctor to diagnose me with Impaired Glucose Tolerance, or pre-Diabetes. This made me take things much more seriously, so I also began running again (using the Running Room Learn to Run program which builds from 1 minute intervals to 10 minute intervals) and eventually began taking a stretch and tone class.
Here is my journey to date, memorialized as Facebook posts (I have no sense of privacy):
December 18:
Strange but true: my body feels lighter. Like
when you go to pick up a water bottle thinking it's full but it's really
empty and surprises you. My body is now doing that when I stand or walk
or run.
January 1:
I think I officially reached the "I don't
wanna do this anymore" stage today. I've done really well so far in
terms of actual pounds, but am feeling discouraged there's not a more
visible result. And I'm getting tired of being good and thinking about
every choice I make so much. I guess this is the first real hill to
climb in terms of the emotional side, keeping going even while feeling
totally discouraged and apathetic.
January 6:
Part of changing my attitude towards food and
weight is having to exorcise some old demons. For some reason last night
brought up some of the worst kind of demons: high school related (and
jr. high, can't forget that hell). It's amazing how fresh and painful
old wounds can feel even after almost a decade.
That post was followed by comments describing some of the incidents. That is a blog post in itself, so I will move on for now.
January 7:
Had a great run with <friend of mine> and feel fantastic! Thank you <friend>, and all the rest of you supporting
me! I am so blessed to have so much support in this journey. Big kisses
to all of you!
Jan 9:
Grrr stupid disagreeing scales getting my hopes up and then crushing them. No massage yet.
Jan 10:
Had a great, though tough, exercise class.
Definitely not a dance class though, more like an "isolate each area and
work it until it hurts" class.
Jan 14:
Successfully made the jump to 3 & 1s. One
more week to that magic 4 minute number. It was definitely tougher than
the 2's, but felt great.
Jan 17:
Wearing a belt for the first time in ages
because these dress pants just might fall off if I don't. ^_^ On that
note, think I need to go shopping for a pair of jeans and a pair of
dress pants this weekend if anyone feels like hitting the fat people
stores with me.
Jan 19:
One more reason I love my running: the feeling
of purity it gives me. Like I have worked away all the garbage leaving
only the good stuff (in both the physical and spiritual sense). It's a
wonderful feeling. Of course then I have to walk through the hallway of
pot smoke to get home and the purity gets much lessened.
Jan 20:
Best part of the day is down to two choices: buying pants two sizes down, or watching <another friend> play with her randomly magnetized utensils.
Jan 21:
Nice try 4's but I am not so easily defeated!
(Even with my traitorous lungs and that nasty bit of side-stitch on your
side) I am starting to feel like I am in a video game. I have now
reached Level 4 and the boss battle is coming up on March 17th.
Jan 27:
I am apparently at the point in my dietary
reform that grabbing fast food because I'm hungry while driving leaves
me feeling sick and disgusted. Won't make that mistake again.
Jan 28:
Feeling like I am not capable of doing this
health thing, working, and being a healthy/functioning human being all
at the same time. Too much for me! Not sure I will make it to my run
tonight feeling like this.
Jan 28:
My endurance is now being truly tested, both
physical & emotional. However with the +7 bonus given to me by my
awesome support system (especially <a friend>) and my long-distance partner (<another friend>) I made it to Level 5.
Jan 29:
Grarrr cold weather makes me want to do nothing but eat and eat and eat. I've used up my points... MUST RESIST......
Jan 30:
Sometimes I have to wonder if this is really
my life. Between planning an awesome vacation, having lost
<redacted> pounds and counting (even despite little indiscretions
like last night), having awesome friends, and a job that makes me feel
valued / needed / happy, it's hard to recognize it as really me.
Feb 4:
Some people get a nice, rosy glow when they run. Me? I get tomato face. With bonus smeared make-up. Can anyone say sexy?
That being said I successfully crossed the river and reached Level 6 today. ^_^
Feb 5:
My insightful mama helped me realize why I am
so emotional these days: there's a lot of fear and uncertainty right
now, and old Linden would have dealt with this by eating it away. With
that not being an option any more I am having a hard time adjusting to
needing new coping methods. Running is one, and I think I am going to
try doing some music again as another. Any other suggestions?
Thank you all for putting up with my emotional roller coaster ride. It's
easy to eat less and exercise more, but this is the hard work that will
determine if these changes stick.
Feb 6:
Best (I.e. most embarrassing) moment of the
day: realizing I have been saying out loud "come on... Come on... Oh my
god it has to be almost time by now..." out loud and all the other
runners on the track are looking at me like I'm crazy. Love it.
Oh, also, in case you were interested I have now officially lost 10% of
my original mass, the amount recommended to help delay/prevent myself
progressing to full diabetes. Not that that means I'm stopping now...
So... the point of all that is that this has been quite the roller-coaster ride, I apparently have no life to be posting that much, and I'm all about the getting people to support me and be part of my journey.
But I am sure some people are tired of seeing the constant posts, so I will be moving much of my thoughts about this here instead (though I will of course post big milestones on FB still). Also I am going to try to use this space to discuss some of the millions of random things I have thoughts/opinions about on a daily basis.
